I Drowned Out All My Sense
by moony391
Summary: Moonyverse. Sequel to IWJHYLitL. As the war rages, the Marauders find themselves in compromising situations. Lily and James struggle to make marriage work, while ghosts of the past worm their way into Remus and Sirius's already troubled relationship.
1. No, Sir

Hallo

**Hallo! Here is the sequel to It Was Just How You Looked in the Light. I felt no need to make you all wait long for it, so I got right on it. It takes place roughly a year after the ending of its prequel. I hope you enjoy it. **

Remus tugged self consciously at his dress robes. He frowned at his reflection in the mirror across the room. He saw a nineteen year old kid, pale and tired, dressed in black robes that made him look out of place. He was the type of person who belonged in clothing that was patched and frayed and had the general appearance of being worn. New things seemed to generally clash with the entirety of Remus's being, at least in his opinion. He sighed, adjusting the ridiculous tie that James had insisted he wear, as Sirius strode into the room. 

"Hey," Sirius said, preoccupied with his own ridiculous tie. Once he finished fiddling and straightening it, he looked up at Remus. His eyes grew wide, suddenly, and he breathed the word, "Wow."

"That bad, huh?" Remus said, dropping himself onto a bench in the room they were in. He placed his head into his hands. 

"No, no, not at all," Sirius said, sitting down beside Remus. "You look… handsome."

Remus looked up at him, an eyebrow raised. "You're lying! You hesitated!"

"No," Sirius insisted, "Handsome is a pretty good word for it." He smiled, "I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful, but for some reason you get pissed at me when I say things like that…" He winked. 

Remus felt a blush creep up his neck as Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple. 

"Okay, can you two stop being in love for about fifteen seconds," Came James's frantic voice from just outside the doorway. He stepped into the room with his hands over his eyes, "I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm in crisis mode right now, and I would appreciate a little compassion from my friends who can't seem to dismount long enough to see that I am having a major crisis!"

"Okay, what's the crisis?" Sirius asked. 

"I'm getting married in a half and hour!" James exploded, his hands tangling themselves into his terminally untidy hair, as he began pacing rapidly. "I can't do this! This was a bad idea!"

"James, calm down," Remus said, standing up. "It'll be fine. You two love each other!"

"Whose stupid idea was it to get married anyway?" James asked suddenly, ripping his hands from his hair and taking some with them. 

"Yours, mate," Sirius said, smiling. He stood and forced a glass into James's hands. "Drink that."

"No," James cried, holding the glass away from him as if it contained the plague. "I can't drink! If I drink, I'll get drunk. If I get drunk, I'll be drunk at my wedding. Don't you know what Lily would do to me if I was drunk on our wedding day?" He was slowly edging toward being hysterical. 

"James, it's only water," Sirius said, still smirking in amusement. 

"Oh shove off," James said quietly, drinking his water. He sank into seat that Remus and Sirius had vacated. He hung his head. "I'm nervous. What if I screw up our vows, or throw up on the minister's shoes?" He gulped. "What if I knock over a candle and set this whole 'church' place on fire?"

"James, I do this because I love you," Sirius said shaking his head. He slapped James across the face. 

James blinked. "Thanks mate." 

"You're welcome."

* * *

James stood at the alter of a little church in Godric's Hollow, next to the Wizarding Bishop who would officially marry the couple. James was pale, and ringing his hands. Suddenly, the music sounded, and Remus, Peter, and Sirius escorted in two of Lily's closest friends, and her rather unwilling sister. Swallowing, James's stomach tied itself up in knots as he waited for Lily to walk out. 

She emerged, on the arm of her father, dressed in a traditional Muggle wedding dress that James recalled had belonged to Lily's late mother. She looked breathtakingly beautiful, James decided. The instant he saw her, he knew that he wanted to spend all of eternity with her, a thought that hadn't truly crossed his mind since the moment he had gotten down on one knee to propose to her. 

Throughout the ceremony, the entire wedding party kept throwing glances at Petunia's very Muggle husband who, other than being one of only three people not dressed in wizard's attired, was squirming in the pew at the thought of his very Muggle wife taking part in a very magical wedding. 

Before long the couple had exchanged traditional Wizarding vows, and they were married.

* * *

Sirius smiled. "I have always liked wedding receptions," He said to Remus, as he nursed a glass of champagne. "They are always happy, yet completely awkward, occasions."

"Why awkward?" Remus asked, his eyes scanning the crowd for obvious signs of uncomfortable people. 

"Well, take us for example," Sirius said, "In a minute I will have to dance with Mary Macdonald who I dislike and who has never quite forgiven me for not being totally in love with her in sixth year, while you are forced to dance with Lily's rather vile sister Petunia because of some totally ridiculous Muggle tradition that makes the whole wedding party dance together." He shrugged, then said, "However, I have gotten off easy."

"What makes you say that?" Remus asked. 

Sirius smiled, ""I only have to try to keep Mary's hands from going places other than my waist." He laughed quietly, "You, however, will have to defend yourself against Petunia's two ton husband over there," He used his thumb to indicate Vernon Dursley's massive girth across the room.

Remus sighed, and then shook his head. "I think I could take him." He laughed. More than a head shorted than Vernon, and less than half his weight, Remus was not exactly the type of person who considered themselves able to hold their own in a fight against a walrus like Vernon. 

"Good luck with that," Sirius chided. "However, if he beats you a bloody pulp, I'll have the pleasure of nursing you back to health. Which would, of course, mean that you would need my assistance when it came to bathing…" He raised his eyebrows. 

"I'd rather not have to have the stuffing knocked out of me just so you can have a shower with me," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Besides, you've never needed an excuse before. You normally just climb right in." 

"Good point." The music sounded, indicating the dance was to begin. "Good luck, Rem! Don't let your hands wander in front of Vernon!" Remus blushed crimson.

* * *

After many drinks, many dances, many champagne glasses being tapped in order to give a toast, the wedding reception ended at about three in the morning. Lily and James retreated to their new home, with plans to leave in the light hours of the morning for their week long honeymoon on some tropical island. 

Remus, among the few people who had remained sober during the night, was given the task of carting a rather intoxicated Sirius back to their small house in north Ireland. He bid good night to Peter, James, and Lily and gripping Sirius's arm tightly, Apparated to their tiny home. 

Sirius was smiling broadly as he and Remus stumbled inside of their house. "Rem," he slurred, planting a wet kiss on Remus's lips. "I love you. You know that?"

Remus smiled. "Yes, Sirius, I do. You tell me every day." He wrapped his arm around Sirius's waist, and Sirius allowed Remus to lead him to their joint bedroom. 

The dark house did not look anything out of the ordinary. It was small; it only contained two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a small kitchen just outside the cramped sitting room. Remus and Sirius technically had separated bedrooms, mostly for show in case Remus's mother popped over at an unexpected time. There was a lumpy, yet comfortable sofa in the tiny living room, as well as one equally lumpy arm chair, and a tiny Muggle television set. 

Remus practically had to drag Sirius to what was technically his bedroom. Sirius, being completely uncooperative, lolled around. Remus attempted to set him down on the bed placed in the center of the room, but Sirius had other plans, and subsequently pulled Remus on top of him. 

"Sirius, it's three thirty," Remus muttered, his chest currently forced down so that his nose was flattened against Sirius's chest. Sirius's only response was to pull Remus's face toward his own and kiss him. "Sirius, I'm not kidding. Let me go." Sirius, however, seemed to think that his statement could be translated to mean, "Take off my clothes." So, grinning broadly, Sirius flipped Remus onto his back and began to slowly unbutton the front of the shirt Remus worse under his dress robes. 

Remus sighed, and rather than complain and bat Sirius's hands away, he just let him go. It wasn't as if he _minded _letting Sirius disrobe him anyway.

* * *

Morning came much too quickly in Sirius's opinion. He woke to obnoxiously bright light shining through his window. His head ached in protest as he moved it slightly to avoid letting the sunlight burn his retinas. His mouth had the distinct taste of carpeting, and his breath on his pillow made it quite obvious that some beast had crawled into his throat and died there. 

Sirius rolled over, and was surprised to see that Remus's side of the bed was empty. Sitting up to inspect this phenomenon, Sirius spotted a note and a small vile of potion on the nightstand. The note read: _Mum's dropping by. Get dressed; I'll have breakfast for you. _The potion was, more than likely, from the store of hangover cures that Sirius kept in the house for nights like the one he had had. Sirius smiled at the thought of Remus actually bothering to drag himself out of bed for this… then the note resurfaced in his mind. 

Sirius had not real problems with Mrs. Lupin. She was nice enough to him. However, having been raised by rather religious Muggles, Mrs. Lupin's stance on same sex relationships made it slightly less than desirable for her to be popping in at odd hours. Remus had originally planned on telling his mother about Sirius when he had moved from home, but the very day he had planned to do it his mother had gone on some sort of rant about "queers" and "faggots" and Remus just couldn't bring himself to tell her. 

This, however, left he and Sirius to hide everything about their relationship from Remus's mother. Which was quite a pain at nine o'clock in the morning, Sirius decided. 

Swinging his legs over the side of his bed, Sirius grabbed the potion and downed it like a shot. Instantly his hangover symptoms seemed to disappear. He dragged his feet across the room, and paying very little attention to the clothes he was grabbing, dressed himself before leaving his warm sunny room to face Mrs. Lupin. 

Selene Lupin was a petite little woman. She had a round face and dark curly hair that framed it and her skin looked as if she spent much of her free time lying about in the sun. Her eyes, a deep cerulean, were wide and at their edged sat perfectly drawn crow's feet. She looked nothing like her tall, slight, and pale son. The only feature that Sirius had ever noticed that they shared was the dark, bruise-like, circles under their eyes. 

Mrs. Lupin did not approve of Remus's friendship with Sirius. She had never truly liked him, even when he had visited their home briefly during summer breaks while he had attended Hogwarts. She had especially taken to disliking him after their sixth year when Sirius had told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. While Remus had forgiven him for that, Mrs. Lupin now thought of him as a traitor who could turn on her son at any moment. 

"Good morning, Sirius," Mrs. Lupin greeted Sirius as he trudged into the small kitchen and took a seat at miniscule table in the corner. "Did you sleep well?" Typical mothering question, but Sirius's ears seemed to detect something suspicious about the question. He glanced over at Remus, whose back was turned as he cooked what smelled like bacon. 

"Yeah," Sirius said, clearing his throat as he caught the hoarseness of his voice. "I slept fine." He stared down at his hands, wishing he had thought to grab coffee before he had sat down. At least coffee would have kept his hands busy, which would in turn keep him from being able to make direct eye contact with Mrs. Lupin. 

Remus saved the moment, however, by setting a plate of food in front of Sirius and his mother. "Here you go," he said, his voice unnecessarily loud. Sirius could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves. It was as if he felt the same suspicion that Sirius had. 

The three of them ate quietly for the most part. Mrs. Lupin broke the silence finally by asking, "How was the wedding?"

Sirius grinned; this topic was something that he could talk about without spilling anything to Mrs. Lupin that would cause her heart failure. "Oh, it was great. It was so odd; they had the ceremony in this Muggle place called a church…"

"You've never been to a church before?" Mrs. Lupin's voice dictate and element of surprise and disapproval. 

"Well, not before yesterday," Sirius said sheepishly. 

"Sirius was raised in a very pureblood home, Mum," Remus said quickly. "His family never had any overhanging Muggle customs, so he never attended a mass." He bit his lip when he finished, waiting to hear his mother response. 

"I suppose that makes sense," She said finally, and sipped her tea. 

* * *

"I hate my job," Sirius grumbled on Monday morning, frowning at himself in the mirror in bedroom. He wore basic black robes, standard uniform for those training to become an Auror. Sirius had never truly wanted to go into this field; he had always imagined himself going into Healing, like Lily had done. But the head of the Auror department had come to Hogwarts during his final weeks, and upon observing Sirius, James, and Remus in a practice duel in Defense Against the Dark Arts, he had offered them all positions in the Auror training program. 

They had all accepted. 

Unfortunately, when the day came for them to take their positions, Remus's background check revealed his lycanthropy, and the Minister of Magic outright refused to have a werewolf work in magical law enforcement. So, after a huge argument between Remus and Sirius, Sirius caved and took the job that he no long truly had the will to do. Being an Auror had always been Remus's dream that he had shared with James, Sirius only merely tagged along. 

And now, he stood in front of a mirror, grumbling about his job. 

Remus shrugged, sitting on the bed, still in his bedclothes. "I'm sorry to hear that," He said quietly. "We could always trade. You can most certainly have mine." 

Sirius frowned again, feeling guilty. Remus's current source of employment came from a Muggle pub in London, which Remus Apparated to every night. The hours were horrible, the pay minimal, and the patrons were the most rowdy bunch of vile men that Remus had ever had the misfortune of meeting. Sirius had once claimed that it was because they were Muggles; Remus had called him a bigot and lived on Peter's couch for three weeks as a result. 

"So, what are your plans for today?" Sirius said, quickly trying to change the subject. 

Remus shrugged. "I might pour over the _Prophet_ in hopes of seeing a job description that read 'Wanted: Werewolf.'" He quirked a small, yet sad, smile. "I dunno, actually." He stood up, and walked over to wardrobe where he took out a pair of jeans and a shirt. "Anything you'd like me to do?"

Sirius smiled, "I have a whole list, actually. Unfortunately," He turned and wrapped his arms around Remus's thin waist, "Then I would miss my tenth day of work this year, and I might get fired from my crappy job that is currently paying the rent." 

Remus nodded, suddenly sullen and he removed himself from Sirius's arms. "You'll be late." Sirius sighed, and after kissing Remus's cheek, Apparated to work. 

* * *

It was nearly four o'clock. The doorbell rang. Remus smiled, having expected it. He glanced back at the tiny sitting room again. The space formerly occupied by the lumpy couch and chair was now filled with a piano. The furniture had been moved up against the other wall. Remus opened the door with a smile. After bidding a good day to her mother, Remus turned to face Bridget, a small blonde girl of about eight years old.

"Hey Bridget," Remus said, "How have you been?"

"Good," She beamed up at him. "I been practicin' real hard!" 

"Really, now?" Remus said. "Well, let's see about that." 

Bridget took a seat on the piano bench, and began playing her scales diligently. 

"Very good," Remus said with a smile. And so the lesson continued. 

* * *

Remus was rather disgusted. He hated his job at the bar more than ever before at this moment. There was a man, quite drunk, with one of his arms around Remus. Just outside of the pub's door stood a group of twenty or so drunken men, each looking mean and argumentative. "Ye'll leave 'er open fur us, won't ye?" 

It was already 2:30, a half an hour past closing time. Remus was tired, and wanted nothing more than to simply go home. "No, sir. I'm sorry. This bar has been closed for half an hour already. I can't let you in." 

The drunk man, obviously displeased, swore at him. "Ye had bes' leave 'er open fur us, or I'll-"

"I'm sorry, sir, we are closed," Remus interrupted, removing the man's arm from his shoulders. 

The man had obviously had enough of Remus's inability to cooperate. He wound up and landed a punch on Remus's left cheek. Remus staggered, and pulling his wand from his back pocket and holding it behind his back, stunned the man. He returned the wand, knowing the man would wake within the hour. "Oh, best take him home then." He shooed off the rest of the bunch, who were now afraid of how Remus had attacked. 

* * *

Remus managed to climb into bed at 3:00. He was exhausted. Sirius was sprawled across both sides of the bed, so Remus was forced to wake him in order to find enough room to sleep. "Did you just get in?" Sirius asked, upon scooting over. He stared at Remus's face, and noticed that a shiny bruise was forming on Remus's cheek. "You ok?"

Remus nodded, rolled onto his side, and was nearly immediately asleep. 

"Good night Remus. I love you." Sirius murmured, prepared to deal with whatever happened in the morning. 

**There is the first chapter. I hope you liked it. Unfortunately, I shall be out of town for the next week, so updates won't pick up until some time after that. **


	2. I Don't Want to be the Blame

**

* * *

**

Here you go! Enjoy the chapter!

The full moon had only just waned when Remus found himself in his warm and comfortable bed. Confused, as he was used to waking up on various hard surfaces acting as floors on mornings such as this one, Remus sat himself up as quickly as his aching body would allow.

Sirius's handwriting was visible on a tiny note left on their nightstand. Remus mentally grumbled to himself that Sirius was forcing him to read at such an hour after such a night. Picking the note up gingerly, Remus read to himself: _Had to go into work early. I called the bar with that Muggle contraption of yours and got you off for today. Get some sleep. –Sirius_

Remus frowned. He didn't like being left alone on the days following the full moon. While he usually did little more than sleep on those days, he could still feel the presence of the violent and rash wolf in his mind, and being alone did little to settle his waking mind. Remus shivered at the thought of the animalistic part of his personality, the part that seemed bent on making his life a living hell for never letting it loose, and he pulled the covers back over his head.

At this rate, however, Remus was awake, and falling asleep would take time and effort, despite his obvious exhaustion. He just didn't think he could force himself to sleep right now. Not when his mind was full of angry, wolfish thoughts and his boyfriend wasn't around to tell him that he was fine. Remus sighed, wishing that Sirius could have just taken the day off too.

Remus knew, of course, that he wasn't exactly being fair to Sirius in his thoughts. Sirius had been nice enough to move him; he had even managed to operate a telephone in order to get him off of work at that horrid bar. Remus smiled slightly at the thought of Sirius clumsily dialing up the bar, and probably speaking at a volume that was completely inappropriate for the phone call.

Using a telephone was one of the few things that Remus had ever witnessed Sirius look foolish doing. Nearly everything else he did, no matter how stupid it should have looked, Sirius did with an inexplicable grace and poise. Sirius was the only person who Remus had ever watched pass out gracefully. Most people would just keel over, possibly hitting their head on something on the way down. Not Sirius, though. During their final year of school, Remus had witnessed Sirius pass out from exhaustion in the middle of a Potions lesson, and had it not been while he was in the middle of brewing a complicated substance, it would have seemed as if Sirius was simply decided that he needed to lie on the floor in the dungeons. He had arced gracefully to the floor, his arm keeping his head from ever truly hitting the ground.

However, this thought was not welcome in Remus's bitter, wolf-invaded mind. Sirius had been exhausted because Lily Evans had kept him up at all hours, boffing his brains out, and expecting him to just carry on with life. Remus never seemed to completely forgive either Sirius or Lily for this little recreational activity that they had partaken in over a year before. Even though Lily was now happily married to James, and Sirius was now acting as Remus's live-in boyfriend, the memory of that particular period of his seventh year still caused Remus's heart to ache and his mind to burn with envy.

Of course, the mild mannered Remus Lupin never truly admitted to himself that he truly felt those things. No, no, to him it was all too easy to simply blame those moments of envious "weakness" on the wolfish side of himself. After all, wolves were protective of their mates. They didn't want to share. So, he blamed the wolf in his head. As Remus most certainly did at the very moment the thought crossed his mind.

* * *

Lily was beaming, positively beaming. She and James were holding hands in the rather disgustingly happy manner that newlyweds often do. Sirius was watching them, feeling rather amused. He sat on the Potters' new couch, in the Potters' new home. The Potters were offering them_ their_ tea and _their _crumpets, and they were discussing _their _honeymoon.

Sirius smirked. James was, of course, lapping up the whole situation of being an obnoxious newlywed. Never mind the fact that there was a war going on, or that James and Lily both worked in rather dangerous fields. Never mind that everyone present in the room was a member of the Order of the Phoenix, the resistance that put in them in twice as much danger. No, James was currently playing the doting husband, and nothing else could possible be thought about.

But, well, at least they were happy.

Sirius, however, couldn't exactly say the same for himself and Remus at the moment. Though he'd never admit it, Remus was probably secretly seething that he couldn't be the one gushing about a honeymoon or obnoxiously clinging to the person he loved most in public. Not that Remus ever wanted to don a white dress or anything, but Sirius knew he was secretly jealous of Lily and James's obvious and open commitment.

All Remus had was Sirius's word, and though he'd never bring it up, Sirius was nearly one hundred percent positive that Remus didn't trust him as much as he used to. Not since their first attempt at a relationship, which to be honest, on Sirius's part wasn't anything near an actual attempt at a relationship. For Sirius it had been completely about experimentation and sex with somebody he trusted. It was only after a year that he discovered that Remus had been really, truly, and totally in love with him. And, by that point, Remus was a little too hurt and a little to jaded to truly trust Sirius again.

* * *

Remus sighed. It was a Friday night, probably the busiest night at the bar. Checking his watch, Remus sighed again. It was only 11:30. He didn't get off until midnight, when the new trainee took over the second half of his shift. Sighing yet again, and mentally noting that he could possibly have a sighing problem, Remus took the order of a peculiar looking man. He was about forty; his hair was a mixture of sand coloring and streaks of gray. His outfit seemed slightly off; the colors were not even close of matching. This man struck Remus as odd.

Obviously, Remus reasoned, it was because this man was a wizard, poorly disguised as a Muggle. He went back to wiping up the rings of condensation that had accumulated along the bar over the past few minutes. He pushed thoughts of the man out of his head, despite the fact that his brain seemed to be screaming that there was something familiar about him.

Annoyed with himself for being so distracted, Remus glanced back at the man. The sense of familiarity crept inside of his mind again, but no bells of recognition went off in his head. It just a wizard, randomly sitting in a Muggle bar. And nothing else.

Sighing, annoyed with himself for thinking as well as sighing for the forth time in the space of ten minutes, Remus took the order of another man at the bar and quickly prepared the drink for him. After handing the drink to the customer, Remus glanced again at the space occupied by the man.

His stomach dropped, and he inhaled sharply. Suddenly, the dim familiarity washed away, replaced by a concrete recognition. Memories of his childhood filled Remus's head suddenly, and it was all too clear. Anger bubbled up inside of him. He turned, planning to say something cruel to the man, only to discover that he was gone. It was like thinking that there was an extra stair in the dark, and feeling your foot sink quickly through the air, rather than hitting the stair.

Remus stared at the empty seat, which up until a minute ago, had been occupied by his coward of a father. He seethed, and when the trainee came to relieve Remus of his shift, he had never been so glad to leave that wretched Muggle bar.

Reaching the doorway of the bar, Remus encountered the man again. He was on his way out as well, and in his drunken stumbling, he bumped Remus's shoulder. "Excuse me," The man mumbled.

"Sir, are you alright?" Remus asked, even though every fiber of his being seemed to protest the idea of speaking to this man.

"I'm fine," The man managed to say after a moment of staring blankly at Remus. "I'm jus' gonna walk home."

Glancing around, Remus noticed that rain was falling heavily from the sky. "Sir, it's raining. Let me call you a cab," Remus insisted. He stepped back toward the bar, and quickly dialed the local taxi service. Returning to his place near the door, way glanced at the stumbling man as he attempted to walk from the parking lot. Sighing, then shaking himself out of anti-sigh thoughts, he jogged after the drunk. "Sir, I've called you a cab. If you'd like, I'll wait for it with you."

The man nodded, and promptly sat down on the curb, despite the fact that it was damp from the rainstorm that had begun half an hour beforehand. Pulling a book of matches and a pack of cigarettes from his jacket, John Lupin lit a cigarette and inhaled. Silently offering one to Remus, who declined quickly, he sighed then stared out at the half empty parking lot. "My wife's gonna kill me."

Remus's ears perked up at this, but he said nothing.

"You probably hear that a lot, bein' a bartender an' all," The man slurred. He took a drag off of his cigarette, and sighed again. Remus was being to ponder the idea of sighing habits being hereditary when the man spoke again. "My wife don't like it when I go out. Don' like the idea of me leaving her all 'lone with Marty and Melanie."

"Marty and Melanie?" Remus prompted, a sudden thirst for knowledge of his father's new life consuming him. He attempted to sound casual, as if he was only asking out of politeness. He wanted to know what those names meant. Were they pets? Neighbors? Obnoxious in-laws that drove him insane? Other children? But, whatever the answer was, he dreaded hearing it.

"My two kids," John said gruffly, reaching again into his pocket and pulling from it a wallet. He opened it, and pointed to a moving picture of two children, a boy and a girl, approximately aged four and six. Had he not been drunk, Remus would have pretended to be shocked at the sight of moving pictures if only to see the startled reaction. "Melanippe and Martin. Call them Melanie and Marty for short. She's four, he's six."

Remus nodded. He studied the picture for a moment. The little girl, Melanie, had bouncing dirty blonde curls, an adorably round face, and rosy cheeks. The little boy, Marty, was thin. He was pale, and he had slightly darker hair than his little sister. He favored his father, much like his much elder brother did.

_These children, these strangers, are related to me. They are my little sister and my little brother. And I've never even met them. _Remus pondered this, biting his lip. _They probably don't even know about me. Their older brother, the monster. The one that their precious daddy couldn't deal with. _Remus suddenly felt resentment, bitterness towards these children. He envied them. By the time he had been this littler girl's age, he had been bitten. And by the time he was this little boy's age, he knew that his daddy didn't love him anymore.

"Great kids," John continued, oblivious to Remus's thoughts and feelings on the subject. "Real well behaved. Bright too. Can't help but show them off when we go out." He smiled broadly, obviously filled to the brim with pride.

Remus nodded, feeling suddenly hollow. Had his father ever talked about him that way? He shoved his hands in his pockets, afraid if he didn't that he might use them to pummel this man, his pathetic excuse for a father. John stood clumsily, dropping his wallet as he tossed his still lit cigarette butt onto the asphalt. Several things spilled from the wallet.

Remus knelt to help pick up all of the man's belongings, handing them over wordlessly, until he stumbled upon a different picture. It was a picture of a boy of about seven smiling broadly into the camera, revealing a few missing teeth. Remus's heart leapt. It was a picture of him, of Remus, at age seven.

John, stuffing things back into his wallet, caught Remus staring at the picture. Snatching it away, he stuffed it behind his Ministry identification card. "Why'd you go lookin' at that picture, huh? Bringing back all them memories."

Remus just stared at him, his eyes wide, unsure of what the man might say. "I'm sorry," He managed to choke out after a moment. "I didn't mean to-"

"That picture is of my other son," Mr. Lupin said quietly. "My son, Remus." He frowned, squinting through the street lamp's dim light at Remus. "He'd be about your age now. Haven't seen him in eleven years." The man sighed, and dragged his hand down the length of his face. "As much as I miss that boy… well, let's just say that I can't bring myself to regret leavin' him."

Remus's heart dropped. He felt angry, hurt, as if his heart had been pulled out of his chest and stomped upon. Then, suddenly, it was as if his insides had vanished. He was empty, blank. He just stared at the pavement.

"He didn't deserve what happened to him," the man continued, even though Remus had silently begged that he would stop. "And it wasn't fair that he grew up without a father. But… I just couldn't handle raisin' him when I knew what he was and what he could do…" The man made a strangled sound, as if he was trying to sob but couldn't quite gather the emotion. "Who could ever raise a monster like that?"

Remus felt that he was shaking. He gritted his teeth and hissed, "Any decent person would still raise their son, regardless of what he became once a month."

"How do you know-?" John started, staring.

Remus shook his head, muttering under his breath, "Personal experience, darling father."

John Lupin seemed not to have heard him.

* * *

Sirius was worried. No, not worried. That was putting it too lightly. He was frantic, scared, and quite literally fifteen seconds away from calling on the Order and denouncing Remus as missing.

Remus was hardly ever this late. Sirius checked his watch again. It was four am.

Remus had been due to get off work at midnight.

And now it was four in the morning, and Sirius hadn't seen or heard from him since six o'clock that night.

Sirius bit his thumbnail. After successfully gnawing the nail's tip off and pacing the room five times, Sirius headed for the fireplace, prepared to floo James and alert the Order.

But then Remus walked in.

He was drenched, looking as if he had been walking around in a thunderstorm for a few hours. His face was frozen in a frown, and a helpless, pathetic, almost childlike look was in his tired eyes.

Sirius, overjoyed to see him alive, yet angry that Remus seemed to have simply neglected to call or floo, crossed his arms over his chest. "I've been worried sick. Where the hell have you been?"

Remus blinked, as if he hadn't seen Sirius there. "Out."

"Out?" Sirius responded, completely bewildered and annoyed. "I've been up all night, afraid that I was going to get a letter from Dumbledore telling me that your body was found dumped in an alley someplace, and you've just been out?"

"Yeah, I guess," Remus said. He stepped into the tiny living room and dropped himself onto the couch. He threw is arm over his eyes, covering them with the bent near his elbow.

Sirius was seething. He hated it when Remus got like this; passive aggressive, full of secrets that he outright refused to bring up even though they were eating him alive. "Fine, don't tell me. It isn't as if I know you better than anyone else. It's not like I'd be willing to listen to whatever it is that is bothering you. I'll just assume that you had drunken sex with some girl with a name like Kandi, since you can't be bothered to tell me where you were." He was pushing buttons, playing guilt cards, attempting to provoke a response, any response, from Remus.

The werewolf sat up. His pale face was tinged red at the cheeks. "I bumped into my father. You know the one who left my mother and me to rot when I was eight? Yeah. We had a nice chat. He told me about his perfect new life, and how he only left because he couldn't handle raising a monster."

The room buzzed with silence for a moment.

"Oh God," Sirius said quietly, suddenly feeling ashamed of what he had said. "Remus, I am so sorry…"

"Just shut up," Remus said, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself. "I don't want to hear your pity and understanding. I just don't want to hear it." He stared at the wall in front of him as if his life depended on it.

Sirius sat beside him on the couch, and wrapped his arms about Remus's drenched frame. "Were you wandering around in the rain?"

"Yeah," Remus said quietly. "I could focus enough to Apparate back."

Sirius nodded. Remus relaxed a little beneath his touch, leaning his head against Sirius's shoulder. "You gonna to be okay?"

Remus sighed for what was probably the millionth time that night. "Yeah…. I think so… No… Maybe…" He shook his head, so filled with anger and despair and confusion, "Ask me again in the morning."

"Okay." Sirius sighed. "I love you."

**There you go. I hope you're liking it so far!**


	3. Not Any More It's Your Turn

**Have a chapter.**

Sirius stared at Remus, who was quickly dressing and avoiding Sirius's gaze. "Are you sure?" Sirius was pulling a T-shirt over his head quickly. He looked concerned.

"Yeah," Remus said shortly. "I'm fine. Seriously." He walked quickly from the bedroom.

Sirius did not look convinced and followed Remus. "You don't sound fine, Rem. You were really upset last night; that doesn't just evaporate overnight!" He crossed his arms as Remus headed for the kitchen sink. Upon seeing the bottle of Muggle dishwashing soap, Sirius pointed an accusatory finger. "See! Remus, you are not 'fine' if you are planning on doing dishes!" It was a habit Remus had developed from his mother. When he was upset, really upset, he would do the dishes. Obsessively, compulsively, until he felt better or he was left alone.

Remus, grabbing a sponge, chose to ignore Sirius.

Sirius, never one to be ignored, forcefully turned Remus to face him, wrapping his arms around the man tightly to keep him from struggling to get away. "Hey. Look at me." Remus did so, but unwillingly. "You're upset. Your dad pissed you off! It's not right to keep that bottled up, Remus, it'll make you nuts!"

Remus managed to shove Sirius off. "I'm fine. I don't need to talk about it. Leave me alone." He stared up at him for a moment, then returned to the dishes.

Sirius stared at him blankly, a sadness settling upon him. Rejected. Remus didn't want to talk to him. The idea of Remus not wanting to talk, now that they were together, seemed absurd. "But-"

"Sirius," Remus's voice was low, angry in a way Sirius had never heard before, "Leave. Me. Alone." He paused. "Please," He added quietly.

Sirius sighed, unable to handle the tension in the room any longer anyway. He grabbed his cloak, intending to get to work on time for a change. Then an idea occurred to him, and scribbling out a note claiming that he wasn't feeling well and owling it off to the Ministry, Sirius Apparated off.

* * *

"Shit," Lily muttered, wiping her mouth on a towel flung carelessly over the toilet by James previously that morning. She flushed the toilet, averting her eyes from the sight of her vomit to save herself from repeating the experience. She stood, shakily, and as she reached for her toothbrush, heard a voice calling her name from downstairs.

"Up here!" She called, recognizing the voice as Sirius's. Suddenly gripped with a second wave of nausea, Lily bent over and was barely able to stick her head over the toilet bowl by the time she began to expel the remains of her breakfast.

Sirius leaned against the doorframe, watching with a mildly disgusted look on his face. "That's really attractive, you know," he said conversationally. He smirked, "I suppose that's how you get James turned on, too. Just stick your finger down your throat and…" he imitated the sound of Lily's retching.

"Very funny," Lily muttered, flushing the toilet yet again and turning on the tap in the sink, rinsing her toothbrush, and applying a liberal amount of toothpaste. She brushed quickly, and upon rinsing, turned to face Sirius with a quizzical look. "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Took the day off. Needed to get out of that hell hole." Sirius paused. "You sick?"

"I might be. I've felt like crap all week," Lily responded.

"Might want to look into that… shouldn't be hard, you work at a hospital."

Lily nodded. "Where's your better half?" She asked, peering around him, as if Remus was hiding somewhere in her hallway.

Sirius groaned. "At home, washing the dishes like they've been infected with the plague." He shook his head, sighing. "That one needs to learn that sharing is a fabulous thing that keeps couples from murdering each other."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Care to explain?" She led Sirius toward the stairs and the sitting room.

Sirius sighed. "You know he works in that awful pub in London, right?" Lily nodded. "Well, last night he had a rather unwelcome customer."

Lily gasped. "Oh my God, is he okay?" Her voice was laden with worry.

"Physically, yes," Sirius said, shrugging. "Emotionally, it's doubtful." He sighed. "His dad came into the bar last night and started drunkenly rambling on about his new family."

Lily's jaw dropped. Despite her knowing little about Remus's former home life, Lily knew that Remus's deadbeat father wasn't exactly high on Remus's list of people he wanted to bump into. "Wow." She took a seat on the couch, and motioned for Sirius to take the seat beside her. "I take it he isn't taking it well?"

"Not even close. He was basically catatonic when he got home last night," Sirius said, sounding worried. "He won't talk to me about it." Sirius crossed his arms. "I don't know what's happened to us… we hardly ever talk, we're always at each other's throats recently…" He rubbed his face, then pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm crap at this whole relationship thing… Is this supposed to happen, Lil?"

Lily sighed, then nodded. "Just because you're in love doesn't mean that everything is perfect, Sirius." She smiled knowingly. "Look at James and I; we fight all the time!" She was still smiling.

"Yeah," Sirius nodded, "But the two of you argue about stupid, trivial stuff. Like shampoo, and curtains, and other boring married couple stuff. Rem and I?" Sirius bit his lip. "We fight about how he thinks I'm too protective of him, and how he can't hold down a steady job, and how I'm a horrible person for hating a job he would kill for…" He clenched his fists, "He just makes me feel like a horrible person sometimes… like everything that happens to him is my fault. It's like a never ending guilt trip! I swear, he's better at guilt than my mother, and that's saying something!"

Lily was still smirking. "That, my dear, is called a real relationship. James and I fight about that sort of stuff too… we've just learned to take a new approach to solving our problems."

"And this miracle cure is…?" Sirius prompted.

"Angry sex."

"Eww, I could have done without that image," Sirius said, wrinkling his nose. Sadly, due to past experiences involving stupid choices and Quidditch, Sirius had a near perfect mental image of Lily and James's angry coital actions.

"Sorry." Lily was quiet for a moment. "Seriously, though, try it sometime."

"Erm… no."

"No, really," Lily insisted, "You get out all of the negative energy, you remember how much you're in love… It's great."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "If you must know, Remus is more likely to tear off my head using nothing but a dish towel when he's pissed. I highly doubt that he'd be up for the idea of hopping in the sack after screaming at me for half and hour."

"It's worth a shot," Lily said, nodding again.

"Whatever," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "But Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Never tell me about your sex life again."

"Okay," She said simply.

"Thanks."

They sat in silence for a moment. Lily's face turned serious. "Did you hear about the Smiths?"

Sirius nodded, frowning.

"They had just had the baby too," Lily said, trying hard to keep the emotion out of her voice. "I was there when they brought them in… Sick thing that they did."

Sirius nodded. "It's people like Fenrir Greyback that make impossible for Remus to get a good job. Stupid berk."

"What kind of a person would attack a baby?" Lily said, a tear leaking from her eye. "Not that mauling John and Megan wasn't awful, but little Aidan? He was barely two weeks old!"

"_Greyback_ isn't a person, Lily. That _thing_ is a monster if I've ever seen one," Sirius said quietly. Sighing he asked, "Whatever happened to Aidan?"

"He nearly made it; fought so hard, that little one… but, in the morning," Lily was crying by now. "His little heart couldn't take it…" Sirius patted her shoulder, waiting patiently for her to clean herself up. "I'm sorry. It's just this stupid war. People keep dying… it's all so sad."

"I know."

She gulped, "I just couldn't imagine bringing a baby into this whole mess."

Sirius nodded, "Yeah, really. That would be awful."

Lily sniffed, then said, "Have you heard from Peter lately?"

"Not in the last two weeks, actually," Sirius said quietly. "Remus mentioned seeing him in London on Thursday, but I haven't talked to him since the first of October."

Lily nodded. "Honestly, I haven't seen him in almost a month. Did I tell you he quit his job at St. Mungos?"

"He did?"

"Yeah. I guess he didn't like working in filing," Lily said quietly. "Not that I can blame him. Doing nothing but filing all day would drive me insane. I'd quit too."

Sirius nodded. "Strange that we haven't heard from him, isn't it?"

"I'm sure he's fine," Lily said quickly.

"Yeah," Sirius said, his tone distant.

* * *

Sirius returned home later to find the house deserted. On the counter was a note, written in Remus's handwriting. _Having lunch with Mum, then heading straight to work. Don't wait up. –Rem_

Sirius shrugged, assuming that he wasn't meant to get the note until evening. Glad that Mrs. Lupin hadn't decided to come over for lunch, Sirius grabbed some form of a left-over from the refrigerator, warmed it up, and plopped himself in front of the television to eat it, planning on doing little else that evening.

* * *

Remus could honestly say that his mother made him nervous. She could be pushy, and nosey, and considering that Remus was leaving her out of one rather significant part of his life (Sirius) conversations with her, especially those held over a meal of sorts, were rather awkward.

"So, where was Sirius this morning when I flooed?" Selene asked, taking a bite out of her sandwich. Her voice was filled with its general bit of disapproval, as it always was when she spoke of Sirius. She stirred her tea while she awaited the response.

"At work," Remus answered. It was true. While they hadn't spoken since their argument that morning, Remus could only assume that Sirius had gone off to work as planned. "Why do you ask?"

Selene shrugged. "Just curious. The two of you are generally attached at the hip when I call or drop in." Smiling, she said, "How have you been?"

"Okay, I suppose," Remus answered quietly. He starred down at his untouched lunch, mind still reeling from the run in with his father. Adding his fight with Sirius into the mix, as well as their semi-secret relationship, Remus could honestly say that he had lied to his mother. "I started giving piano lessons to a girl who lives two blocks from me," He said slowly, "Muggle girl. She's getting to be pretty good."

Selene raised an eyebrow, but thankfully made no comment on the matter. Rather, she seemed to pointedly ignore the statement. "How are things at that pub?" Selene, surprising, had been fairly pleased when Remus had informed her of that employment endeavor. She claimed that she was just happy to see him working, but Remus secretly thought that she was just glad that he had a job that paid highly enough to keep him from running to her for money.

"The pub?" Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck. Images of his father bubbled in his mind, and his thoughts raced with a new possibility. He could tell her. He could tell his mother, the woman who wouldn't pass judgment on him for missing quite possibly the worst father in the world. But, as nice as it would be to actually get it off of his chest without feeling like a fool, his mother's feelings had to be taking into account. She had never truly been able to get over her husband's desertion. Should he tell her? "Things are fine," Remus managed to say, his mind too clouded with indecision to say much else.

"You aren't eating," Selene commented.

"I'm not especially hungry," Remus said quietly.

Selene tutted. "You're too thin."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm fine, Mum."

She shook her head, obviously disagreeing with him. "It's the lifestyle that you and that roommate of yours share. Out at all hours of the night, sleeping the day away, you only ever eat properly when I come round. I'm not stupid," she continued, "I've seen the piles of pizza and take-out boxes that I know you bring home from London."

Remus had decided not to respond to anything she said.

She sighed. "Remus, I'm worried about you."

He raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Well," Selene sighed, then said, "I found this in your flat the last time I came to visit." She held out a pamphlet for the Order of the Phoenix, one that had mysteriously disappeared from the trash bin a few weeks before. "Remus, I know that you want to help with the war effort, but I cannot allow you to be part of this-this Order!"

Remus frowned. "It's a little late for that Mum. I've already joined." Selene gasped. "Mum, listen to me! I'm a target even without being in the Order. Voldemort is trying to recruit werewolves… they either want me with them or they want me dead! I won't work for him, so I'm a target. But if I'm in the Order… then, well, at least I have to chance to defend myself."

Selene nodded, although a little unwillingly. "Just be careful."

"I will."

Remus drifted back to debating the issue of telling his mother that his father had made a guest appearing in the soap opera that Remus pictured his life to be. Weighing the pros and the cons, and finally decided that after all of the times his mother had used to him to confess her worries and feelings it was his turn, Mrs. Lupin opened her mouth again to speak. "Remus… I don't want to lose you…"

"Mum, don't worry, I'll be-"

"Careful, I know," Whispered Selene, "But… I need you. Without your father around, things haven't been easy on me…" She spoke as if he had left only a few weeks ago. "I just can't lose you too."

Remus nodded, suddenly feeling as if all of his courage to tell his mother had been let out of him like a balloon. "Don't worry, Mum, you won't."

* * *

Lily leaned over the toilet again, her stomach now rejecting the content that had, until a moment ago, been residing inside of it.

She flushed, and began to brush her teeth in earnest. This habit she had developed over the last two days wasn't something she was particularly fond of. James chose this moment to walk into bathroom and wrap his arms protectively around Lily's waist. "You feeling okay? You look pale."

Lily rinsed her mouth and toothbrush, "Yeah. I think so." She shrugged. "Probably just the nasty flu that's been going around." She turned so that she was facing James, and kissed his nose. "Come on, back to bed."

"Oh?" James said, standing up straighter and raising his eyebrows. "Back to bed?"

"You know what I meant," Lily said, smiling slightly.

"And you know perfectly well how I misinterpreted it," James countered. He stared down at his young wife, clad in nothing but one of his t-shirts, and nodding to himself, scooped her up in his arms.

"James!" She shrieked. "Put me down!"

He carried her back to their bed, and gently flopped her on the mattress. Upon doing so, he climbed on top of her, kissing his neck. She gave him a nasty look as he reentered her line of sight. "What?" he said, faux-innocence engulfing his features, "I put you down." At that moment, he removed the t-shirt that separated her bare skin from his and kissed her again.

"Oh, fine then," Lily huffed, pretending that she was being greatly inconvenienced by her husband's sexual desire. She rolled him over, and slid his boxers off of his legs. Pausing to give one of James's more sensitive areas a kiss on her way back up, Lily climbed on top of him and slid all of him inside herself. Rocking her hips, Lily wondered again about her sudden strokes of nausea, and, just seconds before James's grunt signaled his orgasm. However, the warm moments of post coital cuddling removed those thoughts from her head for the time being.

* * *

Sirius had passed out in front of the television. Remus checked his watch again. It was nearly three. He sighed, moving the dirty plates off of the table and into the kitchen sink to be done at some later time.

Remus bent over Sirius, kissing his forehead, then his lips, before shaking his shoulder. "Sirius," He whispered. "It's three am; you ought to get in bed."

Sirius opened his eyes slowly, blinking at Remus in surprise. "You're home."

"I just got in," Remus said quietly. Sirius sat up and made room for him on the couch. Remus took a seat, and Sirius's immediate response was to wrap his arms about his mate. Remus relaxed, letting his head drop and rest on Sirius's shoulder. After a few silent minutes, Remus sat up straight and looked over at Sirius. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Sirius said, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning," Remus continued. "I know you were only trying to help."

Sirius nodded. "It's fine… I just wish that you wouldn't always bottle these things up… trust me, it can get to you."

"I know."

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" Sirius asked.

"No," Remus said, sighing. "Can we talk later? Like, once the sun has come up?"

"Sure." Sirius's word came across more akin to a yawn than to a word. When Remus glanced up at him, Sirius had fallen back to sleep. Sighing, Remus wrapped his arms about Sirius more tightly, relaxing for a moment, only to force himself to wake and move Sirius back to their bedroom.

* * *

Remus blinked in the early morning light. Sirius was turned, facing him, and upon seeing his amber eyes open, rewarded his waking with a kiss. "Hey."

"Hey," Remus responded, yawning widely and scooting a little bit closer to Sirius.

"So…" Sirius said, biting his lip and hoping that Remus wasn't going to fight his way out of talking about the reappearance of his father.

"So…" Remus said, understanding the meaning of Sirius word. He took a deep breath, then blew it out slowly. "Exactly what am I suppose to talk about?"

"Just, whatever," Sirius said, "Talk about your dad, about your family, about anything you want. Just talk. Whatever makes you feel better."

Remus nodded. He swallowed, then was quiet for a moment longer. "He-he left when I was eight." He bit his lip. "He… he ruined my mother."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow at this.

"My mum… she used to be happy. She was happy, and she was always joking around, and could make the best out of any situation… She really loved us, my dad and I. But, after he left? It was like she was a broken toy or something. She hardly left her bedroom for a month… I had…" He stopped.

"Go on. It's ok, you can talk about whatever you want," Sirius said quietly.

"I had to talk to her boss when she stopped showing up for work. I had to come up with the lie that my father had died because my mother would have been mortified if anyone knew the truth. I had to take care of my mother… and I was only eight, I couldn't even take care of myself… And that was all _his_ fault. _He _broke my mother. _He_ left me alone with her once she was like that. _He_ abandoned _our _family… all because of me."

Remus sighed, noticing tightness in his throat, but continuing anyway. "I never really got over it… every time I saw mum… every birthday or holiday, I thought about him and what a complete arse he was… He sent me a letter, when I was eleven. Told me he had remarried, started another family… I felt disgusted for a second, then disgusting. I wanted to just disappear. Was it that bad to have a werewolf as a child that he had to go off and restart his life? Was I really that much of a monster to him… I-" He stopped abruptly.

"What?" Sirius said.

Remus's cheeks burned, saying, "Sirius, I tried to kill myself that day…"

Sirius's eyes widened. "Okay…" He said uncertainly.

"I had it all planned… I had the knife in my hand had just started to cut up my arm… and then I heard my mum scream for downstairs… It turns out that I got my Hogwarts letter that day… snapped me out of it, I guess…" Remus suddenly turned inexplicably white. "You can't tell her this."

Sirius nodded, "I won't tell anybody, I promise."

Remus nodded. He seemed to be ready to return to his little inner shell, but they had yet to reach the issue actually at hand, so Sirius prodded just a bit. "What about the other night?"

Remus heaved a heavy sigh, then said, "I had almost managed to forget him, convince myself that he really _was_ dead. And then, he turns up, raving about his _wonderful_ family… and his _concerned_ wife… and his _brilliant_ children… and then, he dropped his wallet. And I saw it. A picture of me, hidden away like he was ashamed of it…he started carrying on about how he had to leave… because 'who could ever raise a monster like that?'" He sighed, letting an angry tear escape his eye. "I-I… I'm sor-"

"No," Sirius said quietly, pulling Remus to him. "You shouldn't be sorry for anything… this wasn't your fault. Your father, well, he's a right arse. And completely idiotic for leaving an amazing kid like you behind. So, don't bother worrying about what a bastard like that says to you… he's not even worth the time."

Remus just nodded, crushed against Sirius's chest.

"And Rem?"

"Huh?"

"You're ten times the man he'll ever be."

"Thanks."

"No problem." Sirius kissed the top of Remus's head. "Go on, back to sleep. Mental health day."

But Remus, worn out by the experience of actually voicing his feelings fpr a change, was already fast asleep.

* * *

John Lupin went to work on Monday feeling distracted, as he had been all weekend. Distracted and preoccupied by a phrase that kept repeating itself in his head. _"Personal experience, darling father."_

At first, John had assumed it was just the beer.

Then, upon sobering up, he vaguely recalled the appearance of the bartender… slightly tall, thin, pale, sand colored hair, amber eyes…

_"Personal experience, darling father."_

John Lupin felt sick. After year of avoiding the subject in his mind, the boy had resurfaced. He was real, he existed, he wasn't just a dream that slowly warped into a nightmare that he would certainly love to forget.

_"Personal experience, darling father."_

And when he returned to his nice London home, to see his wonderful family, his concerned wife and his brilliant children, John Lupin felt sick to his stomach. And when he tucked his son Marty into bed, he caught himself about to wish a good night to "Remus." And when he hugged Melanie, he wondered what had ever happened with the little sister Selene had been carried just before he had left… he could only assume that the child had never come to be. And when he kissed his wife goodnight, his mind flashed to the little country home, with the faded yellow wall paper and the squeaky floorboards, and to the portrait that had hung over their mantle in his old home, the smiling faces of himself, his wife, and their beautiful little boy, snapped just two weeks before Remus had been bitten.

_"Personal experience,_ _darling father."_

And as he closed his eyes, John Lupin realized that he hadn't left because Remus was a monster. He had left because, after a foolish comment, Greyback had targeted his family. He left because of the guilt; because he knew that it was his fault that Remus's life was going to be nothing but a series of disheartening disappointments, and because he couldn't meet the innocent eyes of the child whose life he ruined.


	4. So Take a Seat

**

* * *

**

Hey there! Before you begin to read, I have to give a special thank you to my dear boyfriend Matthew, my unofficial beta and co-plotter, as he wrote the majority of this chapter. Thanks a bushel and a peck, Matthew!

**So, save for a few paragraphs toward the end of the chapter, I can honestly say that I own nothing. Enjoy!**

Peter was starting to worry.

None of his friends had really noticed. Of course, that was the way he wanted it, so he couldn't really complain there. No one noticed him, poor, whiny, mousy Wormtail. None of them had probably even been worried that he had been gone for a month, on a secret mission for the Order.

On paper, he had vanished into thin air. He had quit his job, citing boredom and nervousness—the latter of which a complaint no one could possibly question. The only witch who spoke to him, the one in Accounting, had asked him where he was headed, and he'd managed to stutter out his pre-determined lie: he was going to Bermuda for some rest. She'd turned away when he was halfway through his second syllable; her politeness only stretched so far. He made a mental note to hex her if he ever got the chance. Or the magical talent that would be necessary to do so.

But, off the record, he was not in Bermuda. Quite the opposite. He was on the last leg of a mission for the Order of the Phoenix, one appointed to him by Dumbledore himself. He and Caradoc Dearborn, a middle-aged Obliviator, were being sent deep into the Black Forest, where an enclave of Death Eaters was said to be lurking. They were to travel by Muggle train, to avoid suspicion, and then, once entering Bonn, on foot. Caradoc had been chosen because he was the Order's most talented memory-modifier, a useful skill for a covert mission of this kind. Wormtail had been chosen because he wouldn't be missed.

A month later, he was running through the moors of Scotland, having Apparated there without focus. He was bleeding from several superficial wounds, his eyes wildly darting about in sockets blackened by broken capillaries and grime, and slowly realizing as he ran that he had Splinched three out of ten fingernails, and was short half of his left shoe.

He was rushing towards the nearest Order safepoint, a lighthouse at the edge of the moor. At the base of the lighthouse, a large rock with graffiti scrawled upon it served as a Portkey that would transport him to safety, provided that he could provide it with the appropriate password—candy floss.

Despite himself, Peter smirked. Dumbledore's love of Muggle sweets was well known on both sides of the war. The old man would do better to be more inventive with his code words, if he had any intention of winning this war.

But that wasn't what had Peter worried. And it certainly wasn't the war in general that had him worried. He knew that his leader would succeed.

What he was worried about was whether or not he would share in that victory or not. Whether or not his deeds would be cast from dim darkness into the harsh light of truth. Whether or not his friends would have to be sacrificed for his ultimate victory.

Stumbling up to the stone, Peter ran through his tale in his head one last time. He and Caradoc had just entered the Black Forest when they were ambushed by a group of Death Eaters. They had been held captive for who-knew-how-long, and Peter had escaped only due to a clumsy recruit, who accidentally allowed a sedation spell to wear off. He had managed to escape the camp in the pitch-black night, and had Apparated away as soon as he could.

Yeah. That sounded like a good story.

As he touched his hand to the stone and muttered the password, Peter's last thoughts were of the Marauders.

He worried that they would have to die for Voldemort to win.

* * *

"Happy Halloween," Remus muttered, closing the door as the 583rd Muggle trick-or-treater left with his sack full of goodies. "I swear, if I have to give candy to one more werewolf hunter…" This had been the fifth tonight. Even though Remus and Sirius had only been living here together for a few months, the neighborhood had already begun to whisper about werewolves. One of the more perceptive ones had even postulated in the local pub that the werewolf was amongst the new arrivals to the village, although to Remus' great relief, he had been actually referring to the shaggy-looking blacksmith who had moved in and set up shop a few days after he and Sirius had.

"Here, let me take a turn," Sirius said, getting up off their lumpy couch and taking the fluorescent orange bowl out of Remus' hands. "You're not looking all that great anyways."

"Well, what would you be expecting?" he replied, moving to take Sirius' place on the couch. "It's four days before the full moon; it's only understandable that I would be a bit peaked." The sarcastic words hid Remus' happiness well. Despite the fact that it was four days to the full moon, despite the war, despite even his unexpected sort-of reunion with his father, he was happier now than he had been in quite some time.

It had been a few days since the incident at the bar, and Remus had slowly begun to come to terms with his father's appearance, as much as possible under the circumstances. The mental health day that Sirius had proposed had been surprisingly refreshing. By the time Remus had reawakened, the sun was high in the sky, and it turned out to be almost noon by the time he finally convinced himself to roll out of bed. Luckily, he didn't happen to have piano lessons that day, and so he spent the afternoon on the couch, eating potato chips and week-old pizza until Sirius returned from work.

He had opened the door with a flourish, presenting Remus with a haphazard bouquet of flowers that Remus pretended not to realize were from the ancient next-door neighbor's elaborate garden. After all, what good would it do to pretend Sirius was something that he really wasn't? Would he be in love with Sirius if he weren't as spontaneous as to uproot a bouquet at a moment's notice?

A knock on the door interrupted Remus' reverie. "If it's another werewolf hunter, don't give them any of the caramels," Remus said as Sirius moved to get the door. "Give them some of that bitter chocolate stuff, the stuff at the very bottom."

Sirius nodded with a wry grin, and opened the door to reveal a tall and thin man, aged by time yet unwilling to succumb to its might. His blue eyes were lit by a familiar sparkle, but they were more muted than either of them had recalled from happier days. He was clad in a dark turquoise robe that was ornately decorated with stars and moons of gold and silver, and was checking a golden pocket watch as the door swung open. A Muggle passerby would have instantly recognized him for what he was: a wizard. But a magical one would have recognized him for who he was: Albus Dumbledore.

"I would certainly hope that I will be allowed a caramel," Dumbledore said from the threshold. "Although I do enjoy an occasional bite of bitter chocolate as well."

Sirius and Remus gasped in unison. "Professor?!" Remus leapt from his seat and rushed for their wine cabinet, seeking clean goblets by hand without even considering magical means. Sirius, on the other hand, blanched, swayed a bit, and then stepped out of the way slightly, ushering Dumbledore in with a wave of his hand and passing him the entire basket of candy absent-mindedly as they entered. Dumbledore had been the only teacher at Hogwarts that had been able to instill even a measure of respect for authority into Sirius Black, and his time working alongside the great wizard in the Order of the Phoenix had only served to reaffirm the opinion in his eyes.

"Thank you, Sirius, but I cannot accept the entire bowl," Dumbledore said, a bit of dry humor twisting his lips into a grin that looked almost hesitant to linger long. "After all, what of the werewolf hunters that you are to give the bitter chocolates to?"

Remus blanched even more than Sirius had, a fact made possible only by his naturally paler complexion and his proximity to the full moon. "Err…sorry about that, Professor. I only meant that…"

Dumbledore raised his hand to silence Remus. "Feel no need to apologize, Remus. I perfectly understand. There are hunters of werewolves who I too would like to give bitter chocolate on this evening."

Remus nodded, a bit of color returning to his face. Looking down at the only conquests of his raid on the wine cabinet, an entire decanter of Irish whiskey and a shot glass the size of Sirius' thumb, he pocketed the shot glass and offered Dumbledore the decanter. Chuckling, Dumbledore withdrew his wand from his sleeve, flicked it backwards once to shut the door, and then charmed several of the glasses Remus had ignored in his search, the dirt and grime swept out in a rush of wind. He then took the decanter offered to him, and filled the glasses, sending one to Sirius and one to Remus.

"Forgive me for my intrusion, gentlemen," Dumbledore said, whisking the decanter itself back into the cabinet with a wave of his wand. "But I have urgent matters which I must discuss with you this evening. Please, be seated."

Remus and Sirius looked at each other and moved to the couch, sitting upon it awkwardly. It was apparent in Sirius' face that he had realized the same thing that Remus had: Dumbledore was unaware of their relationship, and neither was sure how he would react. Thus, they found themselves sitting at the very edge of each side of the sofa, Sirius nearly falling off the edge. Upon sitting in a near-collapsed armchair and studying their position a moment, Dumbledore simply stated, "Do not feel the need to conceal your relationship from me, gentlemen. I am aware of it, and believe me, I am not prejudiced against you in the least. I feel that pretenses should best be shelved for the moment."

"Yes, Professor," Sirius said, he and Remus sliding closer together as he spoke.

There was silence a moment, as Dumbledore and Sirius nursed their drinks, and then Remus spoke. "What have you come to tell us, Professor Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore looked past them a moment, as if studying something ethereal beyond their sight. When he spoke, his voice was absent of all its prior humor. "Peter Pettigrew has returned."

* * *

Miles away, James and Lily Potter were having a less stable Halloween. James sat on their loveseat, sending puffs of colored smoke out of his wand at irregular intervals. He had a frustrated look on his face, and was avoiding the eyes of his wife, who was angrily tapping her foot at the kitchen door. The silence in the room was thicker than the smoke.

"Will you stop that?" Lily had to restrain herself to keep from shouting; the result was a bitingly cold near-whisper and a brief wave of magical energy that caused the teacups in the kitchen to rattle dangerously. "Pretty soon, one of the damned kids running around in skeleton costumes or pumpkin suits is going to look in our window and think the place is on fire."

"So what?" James said, never taking his eyes off the clouds of smoke that were now beginning to mix, their colors blending into a sludgy brown. "I'll just Obliviate them, and we'll be fine until they start failing their OWLs, or whatever they take."

"You couldn't even Obliviate Xeno Lovegood, and I honestly don't think he remembers how to spell his own name!" She was back to shouting now, and a crash from behind her revealed one of the teacups was the first casualty of her rage. She hoped that it wasn't one of the lilac ones that Petunia had given her for a wedding present.

James threw his wand down and leapt to his feet. "Well, at least I'm not the one who's leaving her mother-in-law all alone in a mansion while she's dying!"

"Your mother is not coming here to live with us, James!" That certainly hadn't taken long. Mrs. Potter had recently been diagnosed with Griffin's Ague, the wizarding disease that had taken her husband over a year prior. The probability that she had contracted the disease had been high, but the confirmation was the final blow for her. Apparently, she was now just lying in bed, waiting to die.

This would have been more saddening had Mrs. Potter not been so aggravating while on death's door. She and James had been over once every day or so to visit and feed her, and the woman could not stop complaining of everything except the fact that she was about to die. Yesterday, she had been told that her hair was too red, and that it should be more of a yellow-red. The day prior, she had been discussing how much she hated people who had strawberry blonde hair and made it look red on purpose. It had taken every bit of Lily's decorum to keep from informing Mrs. Potter that her hair was naturally red, and that she was not planning on dyeing it anytime soon. It had taken every bit of her decorum and a sudden remembrance that murder was still illegal to keep from grabbing a pillow and smothering her.

At this rate, Lily was considering suggesting to Dumbledore that Mrs. Potter be inducted into the Order and sent after Voldemort. The war would be over in three days—either James' mother would kill him, or the Dark Lord would commit suicide.

"She's only got another month or so to live!" James was now shouting as he advanced, walking towards Lily. "She's already had to watch my father die! I don't think she can take it living alone in that house!"

"So, what, she's supposed to arbitrarily feel better about her death sentence because you and I are here for her 24-7? Sweetheart, I love your mother," (Lily had never realized she was such a good liar when she was angry) "but bringing her here is just shortening her life expectancy—I'll kill her in a week."

James was red in the face now, and had somehow managed to push her back to the wall. "Okay, you know what—" His lips dove in for a kiss, clashing with Lily's and effectively stopping the verbal portion of the argument. Their lips battled for dominance, and James' hands slipped to Lily's waist, sliding them up her shirt. Lily returned the favor, untucking his dress shirt and slipping her hands up it, running her fingernails down his back. He moaned softly, and his hands changed direction, sliding southward into her jeans.

She moaned in harmony with him, but a wave of nausea swelled within her, and her hand moved to push James back. "No," she said, fighting to keep from vomiting all over her husband. "Not right now, James."

James took a few steps back and looked as if she had stabbed him. "Not right now? Well, when would it be a convenient time to have spontaneous angry sex with you?"

A knock on the door silenced their argument. James went to answer it, leaving Lily against the wall with her hands on her stomach. He grabbed the mop bucket they had been storing their Halloween candy in from the countertop and flung the door open. "Take the whole bloody thing and get out!" he shouted, thrusting the bucket of candy into the hands of the costumed wizard on the doorstep.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "This is two entire baskets of Halloween candy I've received tonight. I shall certainly have to go out on All Hallows Eve more often in the future."

"Professor Dumbledore!" James said, mortified both by the argument the Headmaster had certainly heard and by the angry dismissal he had attempted to level at the wizard. "I hope…I mean…I am sorry for…err…you didn't happen to hear anything on your way to the door, I hope."

"You'll have to speak up, James," Dumbledore said, taking a toffee from the bucket and replacing it on the counter. "You do know I am growing a bit deaf in my old age." His eyes twinkled a moment at Lily, and then he swept them back to James. "Might I sit?"

"Certainly, certainly," James responded, Lily seconding his statements a moment later. There was then an awkward silence.

Lily was the first to truly recover, asking "Would you like something to drink, Professor?"

"Certainly," he replied. "I'll take some tea, if you would be so kind."

"Gladly," she responded, ducking into the kitchen and grabbing a teakettle from the cupboard, which she quickly filled with water.

"What would you like with your tea, Professor?" she asked, casting a boiling charm on the pot as she poured the tea leaves into the kettle.

"Just milk, Lily," he responded, and she nodded, moving to the refrigerator and taking out a gallon. She then turned to the teacups and nearly cried—there was the lilac teacup, splintered into a dozen pieces. She resolved to stab James with one later and left them lie, instead taking two cream-colored cups and pouring milk into one. She returned the milk to the refrigerator, and then poured the tea, enchanting the brew a bit to add any flavor it might have lost via its hasty preparation.

James was sitting awkwardly on the sofa in their sitting room, trying to look anywhere but directly at Dumbledore. Dumbledore himself was humming to some unheard tune when Lily entered, carrying in two cups. She handed Dumbledore his, and then set James's directly on the endtable, almost out of his reach. His mouth pinched together a little, but he leaned over to take it. "You aren't having any tea?" he asked as he brought it and the saucer over his lap.

She shook her head. "I'm not really in the mood for tea right now, James." Odd that. Tea was normally her preferred drink.

James lifted the teacup to his lips, pondering why Lily would abstain from tea, and nearly spat out his own. She hadn't added any milk or sugar. He never drank tea without adding at least 8 pounds of sugar, and the tea was more bitter than usual due to its brisk steeping in the water. And she had done it on purpose. As soon as Dumbledore left, he was going to have to upend the kettle over her head.

They drank a moment, although James did so only to be polite and only once or twice. Then Dumbledore began to speak. "I truly hate to interrupt your Halloween like this, but I have a matter to inform you of that truly cannot wait until tomorrow. Regarding the Order."

Lily and James looked at each other. "What matter?" James asked, his voice now faintly quavering.

Dumbledore sighed. "I had kept this a secret for some time now, but the time for secrets is over. I sent Peter Pettigrew out on a mission for the Order a month ago, but we lost track of him two weeks ago. It wasn't completely unexpected; we had expected to lose contact at some point, but not for so long. However, this evening, he appeared in my office, badly beaten, presumably by Death Eaters."

James' mouth slipped a bit, in disbelief, although over what Lily wasn't precisely sure; either that Peter had been hurt, or that he had been picked for a mission. "Will he be all right?" he asked, his eyes tightening angrily.

Dumbledore nodded. "I made sure that he got to Miss Pomfrey in the hospital wing as quickly as possible; luckily it was late enough that I could evade students without sacrificing too much valuable time. But he'll be all right by tomorrow, I think. Most of his wounds are fairly superficial, which makes me think that either the Death Eaters hadn't gotten around to torturing him yet, or he was sent back as a message to us."

"Yet?" Lily said, perceptive as ever. "Who else would they have been torturing?"

"Caradoc," Dumbledore replied, nodding in sympathy when he saw the startled look on the Potters' faces. "We sent him in with Peter to try to root out an enclave of Death Eaters in the Black Forest. Our hope was that they could make their way through Germany without being noticed much due to Caradoc's skills as an Obliviator, and then just modify the memories of the Death Eaters once they found out where their base worked. Obviously, things didn't work out as we'd planned."

"Caradoc's gone missing?" James repeated, startled beyond words. Caradoc was one of the senior members of the Order, and was one of the most talented Obliviators in all of England. Not only that, but he had saved James' life only a few weeks ago, when he'd investigated a suspected Death Eater's house and gotten hit with a rather unpleasant jinx that involved his fingernails growing and attempting to gouge out his eyes.

"Unfortunately, yes," Dumbledore replied. "Which brings me to why I'm here."

* * *

The dimmed house was near silent. Sirius stood at the window, looking out at the darkened fields. Remus had remained on the couch after Dumbledore had left, pensive. Neither could bring themselves to speak.

Dumbledore had revealed Peter's mission and current condition to them briskly, which had obviously concerned them. However, the knowledge that he would be fine in a day consoled them somewhat. But then Dumbledore got into the real reason he had come.

"Peter's memories of his capture are fleeting, but he does recollect the general area that he and Caradoc were entering the day that they were assaulted. Now, after speaking to Peter, I've managed to determine that he was captured roughly a week and a half ago. Assuming that he wasn't Apparated elsewhere, which I find unlikely due to his ability to Apparate back to the Isles with minimal Splinching, there is a good probability that the enclave of Death Eaters that attacked him and Caradoc is still in the Black Forest.

"As such, I am sending Sirius into the field with Peter, and likely James as well. And yes, Remus, I am aware that you too would like to go with them, but it is too soon to the full moon. I am sorry, but for the safety of your friends and the mission, you will have to remain here."

Remus had tried to play it off while Dumbledore was still there, but it was obvious to everyone that he had been gravely stricken by the professor's words. Within a few minutes, Dumbledore took his leave, citing his need to contact James yet this evening. As soon as Dumbledore had left, Remus had slipped into a dark silence, brooding to himself upon the couch. He hadn't even noticed when Sirius attempted to talk to him, nor did he notice when he stood and took Remus' glass from the endtable, putting it in their sink, and moved to the window, staring out it if only to have some similar act of solitude.

Sirius was well aware that Remus was undeniably upset by Dumbledore's intrusion on what could have ended as an almost pleasant night, especially since the intrusion had concluded with Dumbledore all but ordering Sirius to gallivant off to some part of Germany with James and Peter and leave Remus all alone. Or, Sirius assumed, that was how Remus viewed it. Not Sirius was particularly pleased by the turn of events either. The idea of leaving Remus alone on the full moon scared him. Sirius had personally insured that Remus had some form of company every full moon for the last year and a half. He didn't want to leave him on the full moon. Actually, to be perfectly honest, Sirius had no will to leave Remus at all. Recently even the thought of going off to work in the morning, leaving Remus alone in their small house, left Sirius with immense feelings of worry. It felt as if each morning he was severing a vital limb, leaving it at home, and Sirius away, in pain, longing for it.

Sirius turned from the window, his eyes automatically training themselves upon Remus. "Rem," he said quietly.

No response. Remus just stared blankly at the tiny scratched coffee table in front of him. "Rem," Sirius tried again, this time earning Remus's attention for his efforts. "I'm sorry,"

Remus's features remained frozen in a lifeless, blank expression. Only his eyes betrayed a glimmer of something, an emotion bubbling somewhere inside of him that his face refused to express.

Sirius groaned in frustration. "You're doing it again!"

Remus, taken aback by the sudden change of topic, glared up at Sirius. "Doing what?"

"You're shutting me out!" Sirius accused, standing up. "You're upset, I can tell. So why on earth are you trying to hide it from me?" He crossed his arms, frowning. "Just when you finally start talking about what's bothering you, you shut down again!"

Remus frowned. "I am not." He knew it sounded childish, but really didn't care. He just wanted Sirius to back off. Yes, the talking had helped. Yes, the mental health day had been nice. Yes, he had felt loads better afterwards. But that was once. He hadn't ever just talked about what bothered him before. He wasn't used to it. He needed time to adjust.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Yes, Remus, you are."

Remus blinked at the sound of his full first name. The sound of his name, his actual name not a pet name, registered in Remus's head as a bad sign. He stared at Sirius, speechless. While Remus was the expert at hiding what he felt, Sirius was his polar opposite. Every fiber of Sirius's being seemed to be humming with his frustration. The name was enough. Remus frowned, and stood, level with Sirius. "Maybe this thought hadn't occurred to you yet, _Sirius_, but maybe I wasn't through digesting the news to say anything about it yet."

"That's possible," Sirius conceded, still frowning. "But, given the fact that I have known you for eight years, it seemed entirely more plausible that you were just planning on bottling up your anger and hurt and letting it explode at some later date."

Remus crossed his arms defensively. "I do not let my anger explode."

Sirius chose to ignore his comment. "So, if you were planning on tell me your thoughts on this matter, I should like to hear them."

Remus just stared at Sirius.

"Come on, Remus," Sirius said, his arms moving to make exaggerated gestures, "You've had nearly a half hour. You must have digested the news by now. So, let's hear it. What are your thoughts on this mission?" He was trying to provoke a reaction, something, anything from Remus.

"I-I-" Remus stammered. He knew exactly what he thought. He thought that this was bullshit. He thought that Sirius was betraying him by leaving him alone on the full moon, when it was obvious that he could have turned Dumbledore down. He thought that Dumbledore should have asked someone else, anyone else, to go with James and Peter on that mission because Sirius had too much respect for the Headmaster to actually turn the man down. But the words wouldn't leave his mouth. He didn't want to upset Sirius further, didn't want him to feel guilty for doing something he had known was an option as an Order member. He couldn't say anything, it would only make things worse.

Sirius threw his arms in the air, obviously fed up. "Well, the hell with this--I'm going to bed." He walked quickly to their bedroom and slammed the door. Remus was faintly pleased to notice the absence of the click of a lock.


	5. We're Settling the Final Score

Lily stared into the clear water at the bottom of the toilet bowl, her flushed face resting on the cool white porcelain. Tears welled in her eyes, slipping down the slope of her especially pale face and dripping off her nose. Sniffling, she bit her lip, silently praying that she could keep down the breakfast she had force fed herself nearly an hour ago. As it turned out, that prayer when unanswered. Lily lost her breakfast and, still feeling nauseous, planted herself in front of the porcelain goddess, thinking back on the morning she'd had.

IDOAMS

Lily had awoken to see James staring at her, his eyes already behind his glasses. "Hey," he whispered to her.

"Hey," She whispered back, adjusting her position so that she was significantly closer to her husband. James instantly responded by wrapping his arms protectively around her. In that instant, realization washed over Lily. She looked up at James. He was leaving. She checked the clock, it read 6:05. James was leaving in less than four hours, leaving Lily alone to go fight Death Eaters, leaving her alone for an undisclosed period of time. She swallowed hard, feeling tears spring to her eyes. She squeezed James tightly. "Be careful."

James kissed her forehead. "I'll be fine."

Lily looked up at him tearfully. "You don't know that," she whispered.

James sighed, "Yes, I do. Nothing will happen to me. I'll be alright, I promise."

"How could you possibly promise that, James?" Lily said, pushing away from him and sitting up. Her face was etched with worry, evident in every pore. "This isn't a Quidditch match you know you'll win. This is a mission for the Order. This is you and your friends against Death Eaters, not Slytherin House! You can't just expect me to believe that you'll be fine just because you say you will!"

James sat up as well. He wrapped his arms around Lily. "I will be fine."

"You don't know that!" Lily repeated. "You and I both know that you could be captured, tortured, or killed! And what am I supposed to do then?" She demanded her voice breaking as she sobbed. "What I am supposed to do when my husband goes galloping merrily off to fight Death Eater with Sirius and something happens to him? What do I do if you don't come back?" Her voice rose with hysteria. "You can't go."

James sighed. "Lily, I have to."

"You don't have to do anything but eat, sleep, and breathe," Lily said, her words broken with tears. "Please, James, don't go."

"I've got to, Lils," He said quietly, "I promised Dumbledore."

"Then unpromise it!"

James shook his head. "No, Lily. I've given my word. I have to do this."

"Fine," Lily said throwing up her hands. "Go then. Leave me here, anxiously waiting for the news." She was crying in earnest now. "Hopefully they'll send the pieces back after you're blown to bits!"

"Lily," James said, his voice an attempt at soothing, "I _will _be_ fine." _

"How can you be so confident in that?" She shouted. "How can you be so sure? Have you got a seer that you see every few nights telling you all this, James? Or can _you _see the future? Maybe your powers of big headedness have never stopped expanding!" She laughed bitterly, before abruptly returning to sobbing. "How can you be so sure that you'll be coming back?"

"Because I have to be!" James shouted. The room buzzed in the aftershock. "Lily, I have to know that I'll be fine because I _have_ to come back to you! I can't go into this being scared, because if I get scared I'll start to panic, I'll get distracted and I don't want to know what'll happen then. So, I'll be fine, I promise. I have to be. For you."

Lily grabbed him around the neck, kissing him fiercely. Tears streaming down her face, she pulled James on top of her and onto the bed.

IDOAMS

Lily leaned over the bowl, heaving yet again. She checked her watch. Nearly 11:30. She absently wondered if James and the others had made it to Germany yet. She wasn't sure how they were getting there, as James had insisted that the less she knew the better. She had half heartedly agreed.

James had reappeared in the fireplace with a suitcase in each hand. He grinned at Lily sheepishly, setting the cases beside the fireplace and after grabbing more Floo Powder, disappeared again in green flames. Lily dragged the suitcases up to the guest room, hoping to avoid greeting Mrs. Potter at the fire.

Sure enough, just as Lily set both cases down, the voice of her less-than-beloved mother-in-law rang out throughout the house. "Well, I certainly hope that this isn't what that wife of yours calls clean." This statement was followed by a wheezy cough and the scrape of a chair as Mrs. Potter sat down to catch her breath.

James's voice responded with a slightly strained tone, reminding his mother that both he and his wife were very busy with their jobs and that dusting the ceiling fans wasn't exactly a priority. James then asked how she was, and upon hearing that she wasn't about to drop like a fly, he offered his mother some tea, which she accepted, but not after insisting on inspecting the cups and declaring them to be "unnaturally clean."

Lily refused to come downstairs. Instead, she listened from the landing at the top of the staircase. Mrs. Potter or Harmonia as she occasionally insisted to be called for no other reason than to make Lily's life a living hell because she would undoubtedly insist on being called Mrs. Potter within an hour of it anyway, shelled out a slew of complaints, often complaints that contradicted each other. The tea was too cold, then too warm. The guest room was too small, the wardrobe too large. The sofa was too lumpy on the left, but apparently stiff on the right side. The stairs were too steep, the railings too short, the bathroom too clean, the hamper too full… Lily bit her tongue, silently imagining the look on Mrs. Potter's face when she reminded the woman that it had been she who had helped to pick out the house and its furnishings.

IDOAMS

Lily heard the shuffling of slippered feet in the other room. She groaned, supposing that it was probably time for her to begin preparing a lunch for Harmonia to complain about. However, the second that she began to stand, her stomach violently protested for the third time and she vomited yet again into the toilet bowl.

She was filled with dread as the footsteps suddenly began to turn in her direction.

IDOAMS

Lily hugged James tightly, reluctant to let him go. "I'll miss you," she whispered in his ear, standing on her toes to do so. As she lowered herself back to the ground, she kissed his check, allowing her own wet cheek to touch his, leaving behind a water trail.

"I'll miss you too," James said quietly, pulling her back to him and holding her there. "Stay safe." His voice sounded a little different.

"You too," Lily murmured into his chest. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said, kissing the top of her head. Then, he tilted her face up, and kissed her softly. He opened his mouth to say goodbye, but his throat seemed to close around the words. "I'll see you soon."

She nodded. They kissed again, and then with a pop, he was gone.

IDOAMS

Mrs Potter stood in the doorway of the bathroom just as Lily flushed the toilet that had been accommodating her regurgitated breakfast. Harmonia took in Lily's pale complexion, her tear streaked face, and the stench of sick all at once. "Feeling any better?"

"A little," Lily said quietly, reaching for her toothbrush. She took in the woman's frail appearance. Her arms looked brittle; her hair a dull and wispy gray that Lily knew from pictures had once been black like her son's. Her glasses, once stylish and fitted expertly to her face, looked over large on her, the thick lenses giving the woman the look of a particularly skinny bug in a nightgown and slippers. From this angle, the woman did not look so monstrous. She just looked tired. Lily turned to wet her toothbrush.

Mrs. Potter returned to her room without another word.

* * *

Remus sighed, squinting in the early morning light. Normally he needed to convince himself that it was truly morning; today he was happy to see it. He was not a particularly large fan of sleeping in the guest room.

He glanced at the clock. It was nearly seven. Walking out of the room, Remus stretched and made his way across the small sitting room. He silently pulled the door to his and Sirius's room open, and watched for a moment as Sirius slept peacefully.

Remus climbed into bed, then in a moment of spontaneity, climbed on top of Sirius, kissing him several times until he woke. Sirius blinked rapidly, seeming to think that he was having an interesting dream. "G'mornin' Rem," He mumbled seconds before Remus caught his lips up in a kiss. "Wow," Sirius said, slightly more alert, "Are you drunk?"

"No," Remus said plainly, his fingers beginning to inch up the T-shirt that Sirius had worn to bed.

Sirius grabbed his hands. "Rem," he was seriously, "About last night. I-"

"No," Remus said quietly. "_I'm_ sorry. You were right."

"I was?" Sirius asked, suddenly confused. He was never right. Ever.

"Yes," Remus said, looking more than a little impatient, his fingers wriggling away from Sirius's grasp and continuing to inch the shirt up.

"Are you going to be okay?" Sirius asked. "Because you know that I don't want to leave you here all alone, but I can't just not go on the mission, Dumbledore's counting on us, and I really, really wish he could just hold his horses for a few days so that you could come with us and I could be here for the full moon, because you _know _I don't want to miss it and because I love you and because-"

"Sirius, your babbling," Remus said quietly, an amused smile on his face.

"Yeah, I know," Sirius said, his cheeks tinged with pink. "Hey Rem?" He said after a second.

"Hmm?" Remus said quietly.

"Remember how you woke me up?" Remus nodded, a little bit confused. "Can I get a repeat performance?" Remus grinned mischievously, gently placed a kiss on Sirius's cheek. Then one on his neck. Followed by one on his chest, and the kiss kept dropping lower and lower…

* * *

Sirius was not sure why Remus was so calm about this situation.

Not that he was complaining.

Just, Remus wasn't usually this calm. He had the whole complex about being left behind, and in order for him to be properly in character he had to sulk, or pout, or as a last resort yell because he was terrified. But Remus just wasn't doing any of that. In fact, he was making French Toast, and smiling a little to himself.

Sirius sighed. He supposed that he could just chalk the current happiness up to post-coital bliss. But he still had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. Something was up because Remus just wasn't being Remus.

Not the usual Remus anyway. He was acting a bit more like he had before their first stint in what was a feeble shell of a relationship. Remus was happy, smiling, and damn it he wasn't himself that way anymore! Not in a time like this. It just bothered Sirius to see his boyfriend acting so not like his boyfriend.

So, after a lovely morning of sex and breakfast that was completely and utterly out of character for the two parties involved, Sirius was nearly relieved when the time came for him to leave if only so the nagging feeling would leave his mind.

Then, as he grabbed his things, Sirius saw Remus's face. It wasn't blank, nor was it smiling. It was shaped into a half hearted half grin. Not typical Remus, blocking him out, but not the suspiciously happy one from before. It was just, Remus, most likely the one that had been hiding himself away for the better part of a year.

It was fear on Remus's face. Not evident, not a fear that Sirius would abandon him, but the type of reasonable fear in this situation. A fear for a loved one's life, their safety. Sirius recognized this and walked over and hugged Remus tightly. "I'll be careful," he said, pulling away.

He nodded.

"You be careful too."

Remus nodded again.

"I love you."

"I love you too," Remus said quietly into Sirius's ear as he wrapped his arms around and stood there for a second longer than expected. "And please, don't do anything stupid."

Sirius gave him a roguish grin. "Me? Stupid? Who do you think you're talking to?" Then, kissing Remus one last time, he turned on his heel and disappeared with a crack.

Remus couldn't help but smile.

* * *

It was nearly seven on a Wednesday night, a week since James had left, and Lily walked quietly into her mother-in-law's bedroom to remove the dishes that her dinner had been carried into the room in by a spell of the Lily's. She had hoped to complete the task without a word, counting on the fact that Harmonia generally feel asleep approximately twenty-five minutes after eating. Lily timed it out perfectly; just slip in, grab the plate, tray, glass and utensils, and high tail it out of there before the woman how wake up.

"Lily," Mrs. Potter greeted her, almost warmly, when she saw the young woman. "How was your day at work?"

Lily blinked in surprise. It had been horrid. Remus had been admitted after a rather violent full moon and he was still recovering in a closed ward. He had injured himself almost fatally, and Lily's trainee unit had been on duty in the closed ward for that day, most of them believing Mrs. Lupin's holey and half-hearted lie about Remus having been attacked by a rogue hippogriff.

As the day wore, more and more healers were needed on the Spell Damage floor, and Lily's unit was moved there. It had been awful. A Death Eater attack had brought in nearly fifty people, many of which were small children, who had been cursed and tortured.

One woman still stood out in Lily's mind. She had been tortured to insanity by Death Eaters, but she still clung to a tiny baby in her arms. Everyone knew that there was something very, very wrong about this situation. All of the Healers had tried pleading with the insane woman, begging her to let them look at her baby. Lily's resident healer had finally managed to free the child from its screaming mother only to give the entire room a shock.

The baby was dead, suffocated by its mother's torture-induced madness.

It had been insanely frightening.

Lily didn't know what happened after that, other than the fact that she found herself vomiting and crying three floors down in a lavatory near Remus's room.

Lily blinked herself back into the present. "Work was actually terrible today, Harmonia."

"Mrs. Potter," the older woman corrected.

"Mrs. Potter," Lily echoed, mildly annoyed that the woman hadn't inquired as to why work had been awful. She bent over to retrieve the dishes from the woman's dinner, hoping to make a speedy escape.

"Lily," said Mrs. Potter as her daughter-in-law had turned to leave, "You still look under the weather. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, ma'am," Lily murmured, closing her eyes and hoping to block out the smell of the woman's food remnants. "It's probably just a cold."

The woman shook her head in disbelief. "I've never heard of anybody having a two week long cold that brought on so much vomiting."

Lily went ridged. "It's a cold. I've been working a lot, I'm under a lot of stress with James gone, and I haven't been sleeping. That's all. A combination of exhaustion and a cold."

Mrs. Potter sighed, but didn't say anything.

"Why does it even matter to you, anyway?" Lily asked. "It isn't as if you care. You're only asking because you sit here all day thinking up better and better ways to irritate me."

"If that's what you think, Lily-"

"No, Harmonia, that's what I know," Lily said, feeling anger bubbling up inside of her. "It's a cold. Now drop it."

Mrs. Potter sat quietly in her bed, and as Lily turned to leave she heard the woman say, "Well, you had best hope that you're not pregnant. I don't want grandchildren from an awful little_ witch_ like you."

Lily slammed the door with all of her strength, standing in the hall breathing heavily, as she listened to the hacking coughs of Mrs. Potter and the breaking of the glass picture frame that had fallen off the wall. _I'm not pregnant,_ Lily thought angrily. _There is no way I can be pregnant._

But, despite her assertion, Lily grabbed her coat and Apparated off to the first place that she could every remember seeing a pregnancy test; the corner grocer's in her hometown where she had seen one only a few months prior for the first time.

* * *

Mrs. Lupin stared at the hospital bed that held her child. She couldn't help but cry; how on earth was she supposed to react when her baby was laying half-dead in a hospital? She wiped at the tears and patted the head of her son, sitting beside her.

Erin Lupin stared at her tiny daughter, Melanie, who was so usually full of life. She stared at the little girl who was barely breathing on her own. She just stared; Marty's little six year old hand resting on her shoulder murmuring that his sister would be fine, completely fine. Erin only hoped that her son was right.

Her husband joined them in the room a moment later, a Healer trailing behind him. The Healer smiled encouragingly at the little family. "We need to run a few tests on Melanie to check the strength of her breathing. It will probably take about an hour, so I suggest that you go upstairs to the tea room and just relax for a little while."

Marty stared up at the woman. "Is my sister going to be okay?"

The Healer smiled, and knelt down so she was level with the boy. "Your sister is going to be more than okay. She's going to make a full recovery and be good as new."

They smiled at each other, and the family then excused themselves from the room to head for the tea room on the fifth floor.

Erin just allowed John to lead her around, far too dazed to truly pay attention to where she was going. She was elated that the Healer was so confident in a full recovery. Yet she was angry, so angry that his had even happened to her child. What had provoked a swarm of Death Eaters to attack a nursery school? What kind of horrible people did that sort of thing?

Erin took a seat in the tea room while John and Marty scampered off to fetch the tea. As she sat a tiny woman with dark curls around her round face took the seat on her left. They looked at each other for a moment before the dark haired woman spoke, "You've got a hurt kid, haven't you?"

Erin blinked in surprise. "I-I… yes, I do. My daughter. She was attacked by Death Eaters…" She bit her lip to prevent the tears from reforming. "The Healers think she'll probably make a full recovery, though." She was quiet for a moment. "Have you got an injured child then? I can only assume since you asked me…"

"Yes. My son."

Erin nodded. Something about this woman made her very uncomfortable. She could pin point exactly what it was, but when she saw John and Marty walking back toward her she could only feel a little relieved.

That is, of course, until Erin saw the identical looks of fear wash over the faces of her husband and the woman to her left. "Hello, John," The woman said quietly, the words obviously not ment in gesture of a friendly greeting.

"Hello, Selene," John replied, his face growing very pale. He set the tea down on the table quickly, and his eyes darted about the room in a vain attempt to look for a distraction.

"Your wife tells me that your little girl has been hurt," Selene commented conversationally. "Did you happen to mention to your wife that your son happens to be downstairs in a comatose state?"

"What?" Erin said, panicking suddenly as her eyes groped the room for Marty. When she found him, Erin protectively wrapped her arms around the little boy before turning back this woman, this Selene, in anger. "What are you talking about? Marty's right here and he's fine."

Selene looked from Erin to John and back several times. Then, she let out a hollow laugh. "She doesn't know? John, I'm a little surprised at you. You used to tell _everyone _about our Remus! You can't tell me that you haven't told you new wife about your son."

"S-son?" Erin choked out. "What is she talking about, John? Who is this woman?"

Selene grinned as if she were dying to tell a hilarious joke. "Oh, my dear, excuse me, I've been so rude. I'm Selene Lupin and I was married to your husband for ten years before you met him."

"What?" Erin's jaw dropped. She stared at her husband. "John, tell me that this woman escaped from the psyche ward and she's just babbling."

John was staring intently at the floor.

"John?"

"I'm sorry, Erin. It's true. We were married up until eleven years ago."

"At which point your darling little bread winner over there up and left me and our child because he 'couldn't handle it' anymore," Selene said nastily.

Erin looked between her husband and this woman and felt sick. She had this feeling of foreboding that was beginning to make her stomach hurt. It was if they were all on the edge of a cliff and the next words that anybody said would send them over the edge, falling fast into oblivion, and at this rate, straight to hell. The question on her mind, the question on her face, the question shining in her eyes was_: exactly what was it that John couldn't handle? _

And Erin got her answer soon enough.

"Well, can you honestly blame me?" John asked quietly. "You make yourself out to be such a saint, when you were the one who considered just dropping him somewhere and hoping that he would just starve to death? Weren't you the one that wanted to just be rid of him entirely? To rid of the werewolf because it made you _sad? _I am not proud of what I did, Selene, but at least I wasn't the one who wanted to leave him to die!"

Selene looked furious. "Well, if you were so concerned for his wellbeing, then where have you been for the last eleven years? While I was raising him alone with nearly nothing? Where were you then?"

"I tried contacting him!" John exclaimed. "I tried writing! He never responded!"

Martin was watching the argument like a tennis match, confusion on his face. "Daddy? Who are you even talking about?"

Erin was desperate to hear the answer, as was her son. They waited, perplexed, anxious, for the answer.

"We're talking about your older brother. His name is Remus," said John, "And I haven't seen him in a very long time."

* * *

Lily felt like crying.

This could not be happening.

It just couldn't. There was no way.

She stared down again at the little kit, reading the directions over for the fifth time. They remained the same. Lily scoffed, _Pee on this little plastic thing and let it decide your life from there. Enjoy!_

She shook the little plastic stick. But there it was. A little pink plus sign that indicated that right now, at that very moment, Lily Potter was a mother to be.

She felt like crying.

* * *

Remus had recently come to in an empty hospital room. He was surprised that he was in the hospital. Having no knowledge as to how he got there confused Remus greatly, and he found that attempting to dissect this phenomenon made his head hurt. And thus, he stopped trying.

He sighed, remaining reclined back on his pillows and attempting to recall why he was here. Remus remembered moonrise, remembered being inside the tiny steal shed he had transformed in as a child, and then he remembered… waking up here. The answer was obviously related to the full moon.

Remus felt annoyed. Surely was not so dependant in Sirius and his friends that he could not make it through a single transformation alone? He felt extremely pathetic suddenly. As if somebody had forced him to dress as a baby, complete with a pacifier and bib, and forced him to go out in public that way. It was horribly embarrassing.

Remus's ears picked up voices in the hallway leading to the room he was in. They were familiar, but he could not quite place them. It was a jumble of voices; voices that did not seem to belong together yet were somehow.

It was Lily's voice that he was able to pick out first.

"No, sir, I am sorry, but I can't let you in there!" Her words were rapid, hurried, protective. "You aren't on his list of accepted visitors, I cannot let you in!"

"I think, as his father, that I don't need to be on any sort of ridiculous list!"

"I am sorry sir," Lily's voice was relatively calm and definitely confident, "But there is nothing I can do for you. I am going to have to ask you to leave now; I suggest you go and visit with your daughter before the Healers take her in for a final examination."

Footsteps carried the voice away from the room. As third voice quietly excused itself. A fourth voice, the voice of Remus's mother, claimed to be going home for the day to finish doing some housework. Then Lily's murmured some form of a response.

Lily strode into Remus's room was surprised to see him awake. "Hello," he said quietly. "Fun day at work?"

Lily sunk into a chair at his bedside. "You have no idea what you've been sleeping through…"

"Care to tell me?" Remus prompted, adjusting himself into a quasi-sitting position.

"Well," Lily bit her lip. "Since it is your family, I may as well." She sighed, rubbing her temples. "Your father and his new family are here. Your half sister was injured in a Death Eater attack yesterday. She's fine now, but still here, and your mum and dad had a little run in yesterday in the tea room causing the largest amount of gossip here that I have ever seen."

Remus looked at her. Then, out of nowhere, he decided that this was all very, very amusing. He started to shake with laughter first. Then a few giggles escaped. Then came the uncontrollable laughter. He could not stop laughing, it was a huge joke. Lily looked very concerned, frowning deeply and standing quickly to check the chart hanging from the posts at the end of his bed.

"I think they've got you on one too many pain killers," Lily commented quietly. She disappeared from the room, and reappeared with a small vial. Meanwhile, Remus continued laughing like mad, as if this were the most amusing thing he had ever witnessed. As Lily stood there frowning, he came to the realization that there wasn't anything funny happening. Nothing funny at all. But that just made laughter worse…

After a moment it stopped. The laughter died away. Then pain crept into Remus's head, a dull ache that was more irritating than it was painful. "Wow…" He said after a moment, "Got to love those side-effects…"

Lily smiled thinly.

"So, the man you were arguing with?"

"Your father."

"I figured," Remus said, sighing. "What did he want?"

"To see you."

"Because…. Why, exactly?"  
"Not sure."

They sat in silence for a moment. The air seemed to scream awkward. Lily and Remus had never really truly been friends. They had developed a sense of camaraderie back in school when they had both been made Prefects, helping each other with patrols. They had even studied together from time to time in school. But after the scenario that very nearly entailed a Sirius-Lily-Remus love triangle, they had simply begun avoiding each other. Remus avoiding Lily because of his jealousy, Lily avoiding Remus in order to publicly avoid Sirius. When the whole situation fame to a head, Lily and Remus had reconciled somewhat. They had shared a moment of peace and understanding in detention during the last few weeks of school.

But after? They simply returned to being acquaintances. Friends by association. For nearly a year, simply carrying on knowing each other but never really becoming friends. That fact had always bothered Lily, and it had always irritated Remus. Lily was convinced that Remus still held a grudge against her; Remus was convinced that Lily was too embarrassed to speak to him after all that had occurred.

Lily sighed. "I hate this," she said after a moment.

"This…?"

"This weirdness between us!" She sighed. "I'm sick of the fact that we don't actually know each other! I am friends with all of James's friends but you! You, one of the most important people in his life, I can't even carry on a normal conversation with you."

"I-"

"Look, I'm sorry," Lily said before Remus could even form a reply. "I'm sorry about everything that happened back in school… and I know you hate me for it… but it's over, and I'm sorry, and I've moved on! And now, now the two of us are the only ones here and I need somebody to talk to and since you're James's best friend and Sirius, my friend's, boyfriend, I just figured I could talk to you but you seem to hate me and we've been weird with each other for over a year and-"

"Lily!" Remus finally cut in. "You're rambling." They were quiet for a minute. "I am sick of the weirdness too… And I'm not mad at you about anything, if that's what you think. I think, since it's been so long, that we should be able to consider each other friends. Is that alright?"

"Yes," Lily said, relieved.

"Okay," Remus said. A smile, genuine and not hysterical, formed on his lips.

"Okay."

They were quiet for a moment, not nearly as uncomfortable as before.

"Remus, as my friend, you and I can talk about things, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

They were quiet again.

"Is there something you'd like to talk about, Lily?"

"Yes," Lily said. "I just want to say that before I say anything I am sorry for having to unload all of this on you."

"Alright."

"I'm pregnant."

Remus did not react, other than to miss a blink. "Oh. Congratulations!" He studied Lily's face. She looked utterly miserable. "Bad timing?"

"You think?"

"Have you told James?"

She shook her head sadly. "No," Lily sighed, "I only just found out myself."

Remus nodded.

"What am I going to do?" Her voice was strangled and begging, pleading with Remus in hopes of getting an answer.

"I-I don't know."

* * *

That's all for now.


	6. Why Do We Like to Hurt So Much

**Hello there! Finally, after a rather long wait you get the gift of another chapter! Yay! **

**As with chapter four, I can literally say that I own nothing. This chapter was written by my rather fabby co-author and boyfriend Matthew! Yay again!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

With a slightly muffled popping noise, James Potter apparated into the Shrieking Shack, a building that had at one time been as familiar to him as his home, albeit much smaller. It had been Remus' place of refuge, and a common haunting ground for the Marauders even when the full moon was not torturing their most lupine member.

James quickly noticed that he was not the only one in the shack; in fact, he appeared to be the last to arrive. Dumbledore was there, standing on one side of the room in resplendent robes of violet. He was speaking to Sirius, who was dressed in brown robes which James could see covered more traditional Muggle clothing. It was roughly the same apparel he was wearing; Order members were required to have Muggle clothing on hand for missions which involved integration into non-magical communities, and Remus had gone out and bought the Marauders four identical sets of clothing, for convenience. Ironically, despite this, the four of them rarely ended up wearing the exact same outfit. Apparently, there were just enough combinations of shirts and pants to allow them to avoid copycatting each other on a regular basis.

Then James' eyes fell upon the third person in the Shack, and he rushed over to him quickly. "Peter? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, James," Peter responded, seeming to be so. Despite what Dumbledore had said the night prior, Peter actually looked quite well, given the circumstances. Dumbledore had mentioned that extensive healing techniques had been used on Peter, and the results made him look more as if he had been roughed up a little than beaten nearly to a pulp. He had a faint black eye, and a few faint scratches, but nothing was apparently wrong. However, James suspected that the black eye had originally been swollen shut, and that those scratches had been once gashes cut into his flesh. He could only wonder what Peter looked like beneath his concealing robes, or what internal injuries he had sustained.

"Thank you for coming, James," Dumbledore said, drawing James' attention back to the reason that he was here. "Thank you all for coming. I know that it is much to ask of you, to drop everything at a moment's notice, but this is the situation we have found ourselves in. The Order has been compromised, and Caradoc may have paid the price with his life."

"Think nothing of it," James responded. "You have our loyalty to the death, Professor." There was no exaggeration in his words; there were only a few people that James would die for, and three of them were in this room.

Sirius and Peter murmured similar assurances, but Dumbledore brushed them off modestly. "Thank you for your kind words, but rest assured, I feel I know the extent of your loyalties."

James and Peter smiled in reaction to Dumbledore's words, but Sirius frowned a moment before putting a fake smile on his face. He knew the value of a truthful-sounding statement; he had utilized many to assuage the suspicions of prefects and teachers alike in his time at Hogwarts, and the one that Dumbledore had just spoken had set off red flags in his mind. Dumbledore had never said that he trusted all of them explicitly—and Sirius knew that the Headmaster would not mince words in such a way without cause. Dumbledore clearly felt at least one of them was less trustworthy than the others…or he wanted them to think that for some reason. He tried to fathom the possibilities behind the seemingly innocuous statement, but he soon resolved to think on it later—trying to unravel the complexities of something said by Dumbledore could make his head hurt.

"So," Dumbledore continued, his words banishing Sirius' thoughts. "Your mission is, in essence, to continue Peter and Caradoc's mission, and hopefully save the latter in the process. Peter has a contact in Germany that might be able to get you three information on where he and Caradoc even ended up, and hopefully, he can get you to the Death Eaters' enclave in the Black Forest. If worst comes to worst, he can at least let you know what the Death Eaters in the area are up to; the information he will provide you with will surely be invaluable.

"Because of Peter's injuries, the three of you will be apparating in short jumps, about five in total. As Peter knows, Apparition requires intense concentration to avoid splinching, and a wizard who has recently splinched themselves is more likely to do so again. Thus, you will make small jumps, to make it easier on you all as a whole. Your eventual destination is Bonn, the capital of West Germany. Your passports are on the table—" Dumbledore here gestured towards three piles of papers on the table nearby, "as are various other documents that will verify your identities. The documents and passports are merely a formality, as you shall not pass through customs, but in case you are picked up by Muggle authorities, it makes sense for you to have them. Peter is, as before, a student traveling with his mentor, Caradoc. You two are friends of his, who planned on meeting up with him later on. I suggest you familiarize yourselves with the documents sometime after arriving.

"And one more thing…if Caradoc and Peter were captured by the Death Eaters, the fact remains that someone knew that the two of them were there. In theory, the Death Eaters simply could have run across them, but the more likely scenario is that someone in the Order betrayed them, or one of Peter's German contacts. The one you will be contacting is almost certainly our man—but do not trust him, or anyone else you encounter. Constant vigilance, as Alastor Moody would say."

"Is that all, Professor?" James asked, now sufficiently nervous about the whole affair, but keeping his fears concealed beneath a mask of vigilance.

"Yes, I believe so. I would suggest that you three take your leave posthaste. I believe that the Shack has been concealed from prying eyes, but taking chances is something we no longer have the luxury of doing. Do not take your two-way mirrors with you; as much as I would like progress reports, we can't take the risk that Voldemort's minions will not have eyes planted in your hostel. We shall simply have to pray for your safety, and hope for your success."

There was little more to say. The three Marauders said their goodbyes to Dumbledore, and then checked their maps to locate their first point of Apparition. Then, with an audible pop, the three of them vanished, heading towards one of their greatest challenges yet.

* * *

"I cannot believe that we're still stuck in this hellhole."

James sighed for what seemed like the millionth time and turned to look at Sirius again. "Look. It could be worse. At least we're not being tortured."

"Not yet," Sirius replied. "But it's only a matter of time."

"You're such a fatalist," his friend responded, he being more nonchalant about their predicament. "Let's just wait it out. Hopefully Peter will get back soon."

"I doubt it," Sirius responded. "You can't count on Peter to do anything but whatever is most unhelpful in a given situation."

"Now, that's not fair," James began to say, but he was swiftly cut off by Sirius.

"Oh, not fair, is it? I beg to differ. If Peter hadn't gone on that mission with Caradoc, we wouldn't even known that there were Death Eaters here. If he hadn't gotten Caradoc and himself captured, we wouldn't have gotten roped into this rescue mission. And if he wasn't so blissfully incompetent, we wouldn't be sitting here, 'enjoying' day number 15 of unending, tormenting, rain!" A bolt of lightning struck almost alongside its peal of thunder, emphasizing Sirius' words.

Sirius had a valid point, although James would never admit it. The three of them had left England two weeks prior, only to arrive in the midst of what appeared to be an unending thunderstorm, the likes of which Bonn hadn't seen in years. It was worse than England, which was saying something, if only because everyone around was complaining about the weather in incomprehensible German. At the moment, he and Sirius were ducking out of a particularly fierce patch in a café near their hostel, waiting for Peter to return.

Thus far, their mission had consisted of entering Bonn and waiting in cafés like this one while Peter went off and sought out his mysterious contact, who, as James and Sirius soon realized to their dismay, spoke only German. The two of them had been invited on the first meeting with the man, a Wilhelm Getman, but after sitting in a dreary and dank pub for an hour and a half, doing nothing but listen to people talk in German, they had declined a second meeting. At that point, they had assumed that Peter would expedite the process, and that they would be on their way into the forest within the week.

Instead, they remained in Bonn, a full week after the two of them had thought they would be already long gone. Apparently, their contact was a conditional helper: he was helping them on the condition that Peter help him with his problem. Peter had tried to explain it to them, but their friend didn't appear to have had the entire situation explained to him, and what he did know didn't make much sense, so James and Sirius had just decided to let Peter do his thing so that Wilhelm would finally help them.

As a result, they were stuck in Bonn, incognito and unable to contact their families. Perhaps because of this, their conversations in these cafés, when not about "that idiot Peter" (Sirius added an occasional explicative from time to time to liven the phrase up, but that was the gist of it), were about Remus and Lily.

"I just don't know what to do about it, James," Sirius said, the conversation finally having segued towards the remaining Marauder. "He's just so upset about his father…and I'm sure that being forced to stay behind didn't help his mood any. I only hope that he was okay during the full moon…"

"I'm sure he was fine, Sirius," James responded. "Remus has been dealing with his lycanthropy for years now. I know you and he both hate being apart, but he can make it through."

"But that's just it, James. He hasn't had to make it through a full moon alone since he was 15, and it's been just me since we graduated. Without me…" Sirius' voice trailed off, and he looked out into the torrential rain.

"I know how you feel…sort of. Except for the fact that she's not a werewolf, I feel the same about Lily. I hate leaving her alone, especially since things have been getting harder for her at work." Sirius looked a bit surprised, as if there was something he should have known, but James raised a hand to forestall any confused outbursts. "It's nothing specific, and the only reason that I noticed is because I spend all of my time with her. But I'm not nearly as stupid as everyone expects me to be. She works in a hospital, and there's a war going on. In all honesty, she's taken it quite well."

"But…" Sirius said, prompting James. He couldn't hide his worry for Lily; they had been almost as close as she and James were now once, and feelings as strong as that couldn't die away as easily as their owners liked to admit. But he could love her as a friend, and care for her as one. That he could do.

"She's…she's just a little bit rattled, Sirius. She takes offense at things that she really shouldn't, and she's been under the weather lately too. And she never talks about work anymore. When we got married, before the war got real bad, she would come home and just chat about stuff that had happened, or even talk about the bad stuff she saw. But lately, she's ignored the subject altogether. I can only put two and two together and get four. Work is getting worse for her, and she's suffering. And I can't do anything about it."

Sirius listened pensively as James spoke. He immediately sympathized with James' plight. Remus had been like that for ages after he bumped into his father at the bar, and was only now getting back to normal; at least he would have been if not for now being forced to deal with Sirius' departure. Sirius was about to say something to that effect, but he saw Peter approaching with Wilhelm, and thoughts of Remus and Lily flew out of his head.

"Look who decided to show up!" he said, directing James' attention over to the umbrella-holding pair that approached them. Peter and Wilhelm seemed to be speaking in German as they walked, leaving their words unknown to the remaining Marauders.

Peter looked up suddenly, startled by Sirius' shout. "Sorry," he said, approaching them more quickly. "I was just talking to Wilhelm about—what are you two wearing?"

Sirius and James looked confused a moment, and then realized why Peter was so confused. The two of them were wearing rain coats over their clothing, which had kept Peter from noticing their apparel until he got close. But when he was as close as he was now, it was clear: Sirius and James were wearing tourist shirts. Sirius' was a white shirt with "I (heart) Germany" emblazoned upon it in black letters, and James' was white also with a map of Germany in the middle colored red, yellow, and black, just like the German flag.

James smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "We ran out of stuff to wear," he said. "And we couldn't find any Laundromats where they spoke English."

"So we decided to just buy shirts," Sirius said, slipping his raincoat off to better display his shirt. "You should see the one I got for Sirius."

Peter just shook his head. "You could have just asked me where to take them…"

"Oh well," James said, cutting off Peter as effectively as if he had told him to shut up. "So, what's up with Wilhelm now? Did you and he figure out whatever the heck the problem was?"

"Yes, we think so," Peter said, looking hesitantly back at the silent German. "Everything appears to be in order, and Wilhelm believes that he has figured out precisely the plan of action that will get us safely into the Black Forest and out again with Caradoc."

James' and Sirius' faces lit up in surprise. "Caradoc? Do you think that he's still alive?"

Peter nodded. "Recent intelligence that Wilhelm has received suggests that the Death Eaters have chosen to let him live for the time being, although no one appears to know why, not even some of the Death Eaters. Apparently, Voldemort wants him alive."

"Strange," James mused, rubbing his fingers along his chin in thought. "The reasons that Caradoc was left alive don't add up to some very good things, the foremost of which is that he's bait, and Peter was let free on purpose to draw us here. After all, he never really forgave us for turning down his…personal invitation." Sirius and Peter both shuddered at the shared memory of the night in which Voldemort himself had appeared without warning in their midst, disarming them effortlessly and holding the three of them, Remus, and Lily hostage, demanding that they join him or die. Only sheer luck had saved them that night, as Voldemort had made sure that his trap was as well designed as possible. None of them truly knew how he had been able to so expertly catch them off-guard, save that he was the Dark Lord Voldemort himself.

"I was not set free," Peter said, getting over his fear enough to approach an adamant tone; this was saying a lot as Peter rarely got closer than approaching one. "I managed to escape all on my own, without any help from friend or foe. I nearly died—do you think that they would have tried to kill me if they were letting me go on purpose?"

"They wouldn't have planned on succeeding," Sirius said in the lecturing tone he often took when explaining things to Peter, "but they might have planned on trying to kill you—without successful results. After all, at that point, you were worth more to them alive than dead. Dead, you're just one more corpse to burn. Alive, you're a tool they can use to get the rest of us."

Peter's face dipped into an angular frown, angered by Sirius' accusing words. James quickly stepped in to quell the dispute. "Of course, it's just as likely that Peter escaped of his own power, and the Death Eaters are just keeping Caradoc alive so that we have an excuse to go back. After all, if the situation were reversed and they discovered that their prisoner of war was dead, they wouldn't bother trying to infiltrate such a well-hidden, well-fortified stronghold when they could save their strength for a better target. Then again, they might just leave the prisoner behind. But you know what I mean. Caradoc is alive because they see him as the reason for us to hunt them out. And that's what we're going to have to do."

Sirius and Peter nodded in assent to James' words, getting over their quarrel for the moment. "When are we leaving, then?" Sirius asked, his tone somewhat apologetic. For him, at least.

"Tomorrow, if you two have no objections. Wilhelm needs only to get his affairs in order here, and he can do that this evening. Then, he shall lead us to their stronghold, and we will get Caradoc back."

"Remember," James said, taking command of the situation. "Our primary objective is to save Caradoc and get out with our lives. If we can do that and take out the Death Eaters that have made the Black Forest their home, the more power to us. But we can't risk failing Caradoc to do so. So, the plan is, we get in, and we get out. If we're undetected, we can do more to stop the Death Eaters. If not, we run like hell. The Death Eaters will surely have Anti-Apparition Perimeters up, and, as Peter knows from before, they've jury-rigged them to make Animagi powerless to change shape within those same confines. Which basically leaves us with our wands and our wits. And I know you're shorter in the latter department, Sirius."

"Bite me."

"Sorry, Padfoot, but I'm an herbivore. Wormtail can bite you, he eats meat and stuff, right?"

Peter paled even at the thought of a metaphorical competition between their Animagi forms, and shook his head. "N-n-no. Better ask Moony instead."

"It's not the full moon right now," Sirius said, a playful grin wrapping around his face as he spoke. "The only bites I get from Remus this time of the month are love bites, and I don't think the rest of you want to be biting me in any of those special places."

"Way too much info," James said, torn between laughing and banging his head on the table to get the image of his two best friends "love biting" each other out of his mind.

"Seriously," Peter agreed. "You two are worse than James and Lily."

"Hey!"

"Are you sure? At least Remus and I don't have angry hate sex."

"Okay, back to Caradoc and the Death Eaters, guys," James said, his face flushing. How did Sirius know about he and Lily having hate sex?

"Yeah, no kidding," Peter said. "I now know way too much about your sex lives."

"Back to Caradoc," James repeated, trying to reassert his leadership status and to bleach the blush from his cheeks and only succeeding at the former. "We're going to leave tomorrow then, and take Wilhelm's jeep to the edge of the forest. From there, we're going to be moving through the forest towards the estimated location of the Death Eaters. Hopefully, we'll be able to find them within a few days. Then, we take a day to get the measure of their defenses, if we feel Caradoc can spare it, and then we get in and do our jobs. Any questions?" There were none. "All right then. Peter, give Wilhelm the 411 in German real fast, and then let's get back to the hostel. I plan on practicing up a bit before heading out into the field, and we need someplace less public for that."

Peter nodded, and then turned to face Wilhelm. "The others have decided that moving out tomorrow is the best plan," he said to the other wizard in German. "Will you be ready by then?"

"Of course," Wilhelm responded, speaking in German also. "And there is no need for such pretense. You and I both know that I speak fluent English."

Peter tried hard to keep his expression from shifting as it wanted to, and looked back at James and Sirius a moment before continuing in German. "Yes, well, I simply thought that observing pretenses would keep us from arousing their suspicions."

"Please," Wilhelm responded, keeping his emotions contained much better than Peter had. "Your 'friends' are fools. They see us speak in German and simply assume that you are parroting their words back. Any child would know better."

"Will you be ready by tomorrow?" Peter asked again, trying to get the conversation back on track.

"Yes," Wilhelm repeated. "We leave tomorrow. Then, we shall lead them in circles, to disorient them, and then take them directly to our fellow Death Eaters. They suspect nothing, I presume?"

"No," Peter replied, almost saddened that his friends were to fall so easily into this trap. "They believe you and I to be completely trustworthy."

"Well, they are wrong, and I look forward to disabusing them of the notion."

"Do not forget," Peter said abruptly, "that I am to be captured as well. Send the message out tonight, to ensure that the Death Eaters in the forest know it as well."

Wilhelm's face registered puzzlement, which he did not bother to disguise. "What? This is a new development, Pettigrew. I was not informed of—"

"Dark Lord's orders," Peter lied, hoping his deception was not as transparent as his face felt it was becoming. He glanced back at James and Sirius, and was glad to see they were scarcely paying attention to him and Wilhelm. "I'm to be captured with the rest of them."

"Why? They will surely die when the Dark Lord comes. Why hide your charade any longer?"

"The Dark Lord ordered me to keep my deception secret at all times. Just because they are marked for death does not make them any less of a security risk. After all, I escaped—they could as well."

"Yes," Wilhelm responded with a smirk. "But we let you escape. Your friends nailed that one on the head; perhaps they are not as dumb as they look."

Peter frowns. "That's enough Pettigrew-bashing for now, Wilhelm. Be on your way, and make sure you pass along the message."

"Yes, sir, Mr. Pettigrew," Wilhelm replied with a rakish grin upon his face, giving him a mock salute as he walked away. "Perhaps I'll even tell them you are to be killed as well. That would keep your secret all the better, would it not?"

Peter scowled at Wilhelm as the German departed, and then turned back to the others, a smile upon his face. "It's all settled," he said. "Wilhelm will meet us at the hostel tomorrow morning, and we'll go from there."

"Excellent," James said, giving Peter a faint nod of approval. "Good to know that we can finally get this mission underway."

"And now that you're finally free," Sirius said, getting to his feet and moving towards Peter, "you can utilize your skills in speaking German to find us a bar. Or two. Or three."

James started laughing, especially after Peter started to stutter. "B-b-but we can't go out drinking. We're leaving tomorrow. And is it even legal here? Maybe it's not. Maybe you have to be, like 36, or something?"

Sirius began to laugh too, louder than James. "Quit blubbering, Peter. You and I both know the drinking age here is even lower than it is in Britain. Now come on, before I have to start hexing you right in public. He certainly dances a fine jig, doesn't he, James? Remember your bachelor party, when you and I hit him with two hexes at once and he—"

"Okay, okay," Peter said, trying to shut them up for multiple reasons. "I'll take you to the damn bar."

"Damn bars," Sirius said, stressing the plural.

"I'll take you to every damn bar in the city if you two shut up!" Peter's protests were met only with genial laughter, and the three Marauders began to wander in the direction of the nearest pub, Peter being dragged along a bit more hesitantly than the other two.

* * *

"So, have I mentioned lately how much I hate Germany?"

"Yes, Sirius," James said, pushing the 18 millionth branch out of his way. "Only about 38 gazillion times. It's on your damn shirt, for God's sake."

Sirius looked down and briefly noted his shirt, the one he had been wearing on his last day in Bonn. It was almost the same as before—except someone had drawn a big back X over the heart on the shirt. The shirt had been a casualty of their pre-mission drinking bash. Sirius had started to complain about how much he hated Germany at the top of his lungs on the way back to the hostel. To shut him up, both for fear of getting mugged and because James and Peter were getting seriously annoyed with him at this point, James had conjured up a black marker and drawn the X over the heart. It had mollified Sirius, although that might have been due to the vomiting that immediately followed their vandalism rather than the act itself.

"That's certainly true," Sirius said, narrowly avoiding the branch that James had just passed. "But I'm not sure that I thoroughly expressed my hatred."

"Oh, shut up," Peter said, finally having had enough. "I wish I only spoke German like Wilhelm. Then you would sound stupid and incomprehensible." The stress of their mission had begun to get to all of them, especially Peter, who had grown more and more irritable and coarse as the days had gone on. It was almost as if he was a totally different person now that they had entered the woods.

Peter's outburst temporarily silenced Sirius and James, who both went back to brooding silently. They had been wandering through the Black Forest for days now, led by Wilhelm. The German had a magical device of some sort that was leading them to the Death Eater's lair, and so they followed his lead without question. Or, at the very least, without many questions. James and Sirius were both unable to determine exactly how the device worked—and how could Wilhelm have figured out exactly where the Death Eaters were anyways? But for the sake of the mission, they shelved their questions, as the last thing they needed was for Wilhelm to freak out and leave them there, alone and unable to find Caradoc.

But James and Sirius made sure to keep a very close eye on Wilhelm.

"Not much longer, I hope?" Sirius finally asked a few moments later. "You two said this morning that we were drawing close." The trek through the forest had taken much longer than either he or James had expected it too, and both of them were growing anxious to get it over with. Also, they were both growing more suspicious the longer it took. It would be easy to get them hopelessly lost in this dense jungle of a forest.

"No, I don't believe it will be much longer," Peter said, looking back at Sirius as they trudged through the brush. "The device that Wilhelm has will alert us when we reach the Anti-Apparition Wards. At that point, we will fall back and prepare to infiltrate their base."

"Good," James said. "Because a few more days of this jungle and I'll send up sparks so the bastards can just find us and kill us."

"Oh, that would be just lovely," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes. "Especially since Remus and Lily would kill us and half of Germany for getting ourselves killed intentionally."

"You do realize that there are a number of problems with that statement, don't you?" Peter said, his scathing tone more evident than ever. "First of all—"

Peter's denunciation of Sirius was sharply cut off by the shadowy curse that struck Peter from the side, blowing him off of his feet with a faint spray of blood.

James and Sirius froze a moment, completely caught off-guard by the sudden attack, and then dropped to the ground, narrowly evading the succession of spells that followed. Luckily, all of the spells seemed to have been aimed at either their torsos or heads; dropping to the previous level of their feet saved the two friends from sure death.

"Well, this sucks," Sirius said, his wand firmly clenched in his right hand. "What now?"

"Cover me," James replied. "I'm getting Peter and we're Apparating out of here."

"We can't," Sirius said. "We need to get Caradoc. And what about Wilhelm?"

"Screw Wilhelm!" James hissed under his breath, hastened by the sound of approaching Death Eaters. "Peter might be dead, and he's probably responsible. And if he's not, that's too bad. Guess he should have learned English and not been an asshole. Now let's go!"

James' last words were punctuated by a spring to his feet, which brought him into the view of every Death Eater in the area. A hoarse chorus of curses rang out, intelligibly lethal, but James had expected this, and had already begun to spin his wand in a circle over his head as he rose. "Protego!" he shouted, the Shield Charm coming into effect around him, forming a dome of silvery light that reflected the multitude of curses aimed at him directly back at their owners. Cries of pain congratulated him on his success, although not as many as he would have hoped.

As soon as these cries rang out, James moved, breaking his own spell in his rush towards Peter's body. More curses rang out, but he paid them no heed, zig-zagging towards Peter without hesitation. Behind him, he could hear Sirius' voice issuing out curses of his own; as the least-favored member of the Noble House of Black, Sirius had been learning curses by osmosis since he could wave a child's wand, and likely knew as many, if not more, than most of these Death Eaters.

Curses of the non-magical kind soon began to accompany the jinxes and hexes he was more accustomed to; Sirius was conjuring various objects to deflect or stop the spells being leveled at James and himself. The tactic was useful—Shield Charms were hard to project any further than oneself, so trying to create magical shields was foolish, as it would take too much energy to do so. Then again, James wasn't sure if Sirius could even perform a Shield Charm strong enough to deflect dark spells of this magnitude—defensive magic wasn't his forte.

James reached Peter quickly, the sounds of battle ringing in his ears already as he dodged a flying armoire by diving on top of his friend. "All right, Peter," he said aloud, not particularly sure why he was wasting time by talking. "Let's get out of here."

He took hold of Peter firmly, and then began to concentrate on the hostel they had stayed at what felt like a lifetime ago. It was the place where they were to return upon escape; Sirius would surely know to go there once he saw that the two of them were gone. The image of the hostel firmly in place in his mind, James clenched his eyes shut, preparing for the unpleasant process of Apparition.

Nothing happened.

Dumbfounded, James opened his eyes in surprise and stared blankly a moment, reawakened only by Sirius' cry of "Watch out, James!" Looking up, James was greeted with the sight of what appeared to be the twisted, misshapen remains of a Muggle phone booth, warped and deflected by whatever dark curse it had gotten in the way of. It was headed right for him and Peter, seemingly intent on crushing them both.

Gritting his teeth, James grabbed Peter's unmoving body and rolled, evading the phone booth by mere inches. A piece of the booth broke off as it hit the ground and lashed out at James, slicing across his left arm and leaving a shallow, but messy gash.

James got to his feet quickly, hoping that his lapse of concentration had not been too damning. A quick survey of the battlefield revealed that the only possible casualty might have been Wilhelm, who was either dead or a traitor in black by this point. Sirius was still standing, although he was visibly bleeding from his leg, torso, and the side of his face. It seemed that his defensive tactics were only so effective; a chair that had presumably been conjured moments before served only to weaken the greenish bolt of energy it was placed between. A fair amount of charge remained in the curse, which hit Sirius and knocked him to the ground, albeit lightly.

The Death Eater responsible for the curse cackled to himself, and raised his wand to strike again, along with a number of his fellows. However, in doing so, they took their eyes off of James, a grievous error. James raised his wand and pointed it at a clump of the Death Eaters, crying out "Everte Statum!" as he gave the wand a quick flick upwards. The Death Eaters flicked upwards as well, cartwheeling through the air without even getting a chance to cry out. The remaining Death Eaters immediately set their sights on James—which was exactly what he wanted.

Their wands oriented upon him, and they struck as one, their curses mingling into a shriek of rage. But James was ready for this, turning slightly to note the position of the mangled phone booth and then pointing his wand at it. "Metallo Plasmare!"

The Death Eaters' faces contorted first in confusion, and then in hatred. The metal of the phone booth seemed to liquefy and coalesce towards James' wand, and with a flick of his wrist, it was drawn upward, a splash of liquid steel that almost instantly hardened into a semi-opaque, organic-looking, spell-resistant wall of steel that shielded James completely from the curses, although not without a few dents.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sirius shouted, stumbling to his feet and trying to get to more sheltered ground. "Quit spacing out and Apparate Peter out of here!"

"I can't!" James replied. "The wards—they must be up already!"

Sirius muttered a curse James couldn't quite hear and fired a few Stunning Spells off into the midst of the Death Eaters, who scattered into the brush. A harsh silence fell over the battleground; the Death Eaters were likely strategizing quietly from their hiding spot. "We need to figure out how to get out of here then," Sirius said under his breath, swiftly drawing close enough that they could talk at a near whisper. "We can't Apparate, we can't transform into Animagi…what's left?"

"We fight," James said simply, getting back to back with Sirius in a routine that they had practiced dozens of times before, although never in such dire circumstances.

"We don't even know how many there are. The only reason we even have a chance is because you sent half of them flying earlier. And they'll be back soon enough, probably with reinforcements." The two of them had now begun to move in a circle, watching the brush for any sign of the hidden Death Eaters. "We need to run."

"Run where?" James asked. "We can't carry Peter, and floating him around behind us with magic just makes him a target."

"Compromise then," Sirius said. "We fight them back, stun a couple, and then spontaneously make a run for it."

"Agreed." James said with a curt nod. "Now all we need is—"

A loud bang issued from James' right, and both Marauders turned sharply to look at the source of the noise. Nothing. No Death Eaters, no magic. Just the empty forest.

"Oh, damn…" James said, suddenly realizing what was happening. He wheeled around, startling Sirius, and raised his wand at the Death Eater he knew would be waiting behind them, ready to strike soundlessly.

Too late. He turned just in time to see the hooded figure before him, a skull mask concealing his face but not his gray, piercing eyes of hate, and to see the flashes of crimson light that erupted from his wand.

Neither James nor Sirius felt the ground as they hit. Only the pain of the curse, and the dark oblivion it brought.


	7. I Can't Decide

**Hi there everyone! Here is yet another chapter for you. But, before we begin, there are several things that I would like to address. **

**The first is that Matthew, co-plotter and co-author of this story shall not be involved in I Drowned Out All My Sense or the Moonyverse as a whole any longer. The two of us have gone our separate ways (read here as "broke up messily") and I do not foresee any further collaboration on this story or others. I would like to thank him for his contributions to this fanfiction at this time, but reaffirm the fact that he shall not be returning. **

**My second note is more of a suggestion, or shameless plug depending on how you read it. My suggestion is that all of you read my other Moonyverse fics, specifically the one shots Dance in the Rain and Just Like Broken Glass to Me before you read this chapter. The former is because I am rather proud of it and the latter because certain information from that story will be used rather heavily throughout this chapter. **

**Thank you and enjoy your read!**

Remus sighed again.

The telephone was ringing for the thirtieth time in three hours. If he heard that noise one more time he was pretty sure that he was going to find a way to reach through it and tear all of Lily's hair out. She was calling him constantly, demanding to know if he'd heard anything, and she'd generally disconnect the call about a half a second after hearing that the answer was as it had been for three weeks: no.

"Just keep practicing you scales. Try the D Major again, okay?" Remus said to Bridget. "I'm going to go answer and then unplug my phone."

The small girl giggled for a moment, then returned to playing.

"Lily, you need to stop calling me," Was the greeting Remus supplied for the voice on the other end, "I know that you are in the middle of a panic attack, but I'm in the middle of a piano lesson so I will have to call you back."

"Remus?" The voice did not belong to Lily. It was a male voice.

"Yes?" He said, embarrassed by his rude greeting.

"This is your father."

Remus slammed the phone back onto its receiver as if it had burned him. He stood glaring at the object for nearly a minute, convinced that his once convenient Muggle device had turned against him and was now consorting with Satan himself with the sole purpose of ruining his life. Shaking himself free of the mental-image of a satanic telephone, complete with horns, a tail, and a flaming red pitchfork, Remus took a deep breath. Then he yanked the chord from the phone jack, glaring at it for another moment before returning to the living room.

"Wrong number," He commented as Bridget gave him a questioning look.

The lesson continued, and remained uninterrupted until the end, which Remus was grateful for. He decided to unwind before he had to report for work at the bar by watching the news while absentmindedly feeding himself some form of a leftover that may or may not have actually been safe for him to consume.

That was when Lily barged in.

"You unplugged your phone!" She accused, her eyes wild and her hair windblown as she charged in through the front door.

"You called my twenty-nine times in three hours!" He countered.

"Well,_ you_ told me not to Floo during your piano lesson!"

"Well, _I_ didn't ask you to call every two minutes either!"

"I'm sorry," Lily said, sinking into the couch next to him, her anger having obviously dissipated in the wake of Remus's rather fool-proof logic. "I've just been so worried. It's been three weeks."

"I know."

"And we haven't heard anything."

"I know."

"Do you think that maybe we should contact Dumbledore?" Lily's voice was anxious and she fiddled with the hem of her shirt in a would-be absent way.

Remus looked thoughtful. He had considered the possibility on a few occasions of contacting Dumbledore. He was becoming more worried with each passing minute, fearful for Sirius's safety and for the safety of both James and Peter. He hated being trapped at home, unable to help. And Dumbledore seemed quite determined to keep both he and Lily out of the loop as much as possible, which wasn't exactly comforting for either of them.

Not to mention the fact that the full moon was coming up. After his painful experience last month, Remus was not exactly happy to be looking forward to what looked like yet another full moon alone.

And, on top of it all, he just plain_ missed_ Sirius. He missed having him around to talk to; he missed the affection that the other man showered him with. He missed the spontaneity, the laughter, the feeling of being loved. He missed Sirius. Like mad. "Listen, if we don't hear anything by Monday, we can pay Dumbledore a visit, okay?" Lily nodded, looking placated. They were quiet for a bit. "How is Mrs. Potter doing?"

Lily sighed, then groaned. "She must be getting worse. She's stopped complaining." Putting her head in her hands, Lily let out a frustrated growl. "I don't know what to do, Remus. I cannot stand the woman. She hates me and the feeling is pretty much mutual. But, she's James's mother. His_ dying_ mother! I cannot find it within myself to be nice to her. What's wrong with me?"

"You're dealing with a typical critical mother-in-law," Remus said quietly. "You just have the added guilt of her eminent death hanging over your head. There is nothing wrong with you."

"I just don't understand," Lily said quietly. "She hates me, completely hates me. Yet she loves you! No offense, Remus, but most parents would have it the other way around."

Remus smiled slightly, knowing that Lily meant no offense, but was only confused. "Well, it could have something to do with the fact that Sirius's isn't _technically_ her child. So, his boyfriend is slightly less offensive because she knows that she didn't give birth to him."

"But still," Lily whined. "What have you got that I haven't?"

Remus stared at Lily for a moment, his eyes suggesting that she had lost her mind.

"Well, other than that!"

"I'm not sure," Remus said. He smiled slightly. "Maybe you are just way less likable than Sirius's broke, bartender, _werewolf boy_friend." Laughing at little to himself at the sight of Lily's face, which was the color of a tomato and had a rather violent looking frown slapped upon it, Remus said, "If you'd like, I can keep visiting Mrs. Potter during the day. I'm usually at home doing nothing."

Lily nodded. "Thanks, she'd probably like that." She sighed, "I keep hoping I'll wake up and find her dead. Does that make me a bad person?"

"Lily, I think it makes you human."

They were quiet for a while. "I'd better be going," She said after checking her watch. "Plug your phone back in, okay?"

Remus nodded.

Lily walked inside. She put her keys and purse on her table. The house was quiet. Sighing, she took off her coat and hung it on the back of a chair. She crept upstairs, prepared to remove Mrs. Potter's empty food tray, be verbally abused, and then leave feeling irritated and unappreciated. When she got to the room, Lily was greeted with the sight of an unmoving Mrs. Potter in front of an untouched tray of food.

"Oh God," Lily moaned.

Unthinking, Lily dashed to the phone. She dialed Remus's number and waited.

"Lily? What is it now?"

"She's dead."

"What?"

"Mrs. Potter –Harmonia –I think she's dead!"

"What do you mean you _think_ she's dead?" Remus said on the other line. "Did you check?"

"What?" Lily said, sounding confused. "Check what?"

"To see if she was dead," Remus said his voice surprisingly patient. "Did you check her for a pulse?"

"N-no…" Lily admitted.

Remus's voice sighed. She swore she heard him mutter something to the effect of _Are you a Healer or not? _"Lily. Go back into her room and check her pulse. If she's dead, call me back. If she's not… Call me back anyway, but keep it short… I have to get to work, so…"

Lily understood. Without that job, Remus was essentially screwed. "Okay. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay."

There was a click, and then the phone call ended.

Lily hung up her own phone, and slowly climbed back up the stairs. Inside the guest room, the red haired woman crossed to her mother-in-law's bed and moved the food tray to the floor. Then, using two fingers, she pressed them to the elderly woman's neck and felt for a pulse.

There was one. Not exactly as strong as it would have been were she a healthy woman, but it was a pulse nonetheless.

Harmonia was also breathing without difficulty.

Lily felt stupid, and turned to leave the room. However, a noise behind her alerted her to the fact that Harmonia was now awake. "Lily," her mother-in-law's voice said clearly. "Why is my dinner on the floor?"

"Uh," Lily said stupidly. "I'm not sure." She picked up the tray and set in front of the woman, casting a spell to insure that the food wasn't cold as she did. "Sorry." She made to duck out of the room.

"You still haven't heard anything from James, have you?" Mrs. Potter's voice seemed to have taken on a slightly desperate tone.

"No," Lily said quietly.

"It's been three weeks."

"I know."

Mrs. Potter nodded. They were quiet for a moment longer. "I disconnected that contraption in the kitchen that makes coffee for you," Mrs. Potter said after a moment or two.

"Why?" Lily asked, not bothering to question the woman on exactly how she had managed to get down the flight of stairs. She was, sad but true, more desperate to know why on earth Mrs. Potter would unplug her coffee maker.

"It's bad for the baby," Mrs. Potter said simply. "I don't want my granddaughter to be deformed because you can't wake yourself up enough before going to work."

Lily stared open mouthed at the woman, her hands going unconsciously to her abdomen. Then she turned and left, without another word.

Sometimes she really hated that woman.

_It's a shame that she isn't really dead._

_Damn it._

She stomped determinedly to the kitchen, dialed Remus's number rather aggressively and greeted him with, "I don't understand! It's like she's sticking around just to piss me off!"

Remus was wiping glasses down on that Friday night, yawning as he did so.

It was closing time.

So, of course, somebody_ had_ to walk into the bar.

Of course, being that it was Remus who was working, that person _had_ to be somebody he didn't want to see. Somebody who he had hung up on recently, and was not exactly on speaking terms with.

John Lupin had walked into the bar about ten seconds before Remus had turned out the lights in preparation to leave.

"Oh for the love of Merlin," Remus muttered to himself. "I'm sorry, sir, we're closed." He tried to keep his expression neutral.

"There's no point in acting, I know you recognize me," His father said plainly. "And, if I may say so, your phone etiquette needs a little work."

Remus smirked. "Well, it isn't as if your familial etiquette is much better, _Dad._" He raised his eyebrows. "Are we on the ten year plan, then? You show up for nearly ten years, disappear for ten, and show up again? Is that how it works?"

"I-" John looked defeated, from his graying hair to his tired eyes, "I came here to try and talk to you. I want to apologize Remus."

"Good for you," Remus said coldly. "_I_ want you to leave. Can I have that?"

John ignored the words. "I am sorry, Remus. For everything. It was wrong of me to leave you. It was the worst mistake I have ever made, and I am sorry that I didn't try harder to contact you when you were younger. I feel terrible for leaving you. I truly do."

They were silent for a minute, staring at each other. "Well, I bet you feel better now," Remus said, his arms crossed over his chest. "You've apologized. Mission accomplished. You can go." He indicated the door with a tilt of his head.

"Please, let me try to explain," The man pleaded.

"Save it," Remus said, "I'm not in the mood for your explanations."

"I just figured after two years of trying to write to you that you didn't want to see me," John said quietly. "I had been trying for two years, and I finally just gave up. Just after you turned eleven. I'm sorry." He shrugged, listlessly, and headed for the door. "I guess I was right. You don't want to see me. At least now I can know for sure."

"Wait," Remus said, his heart pounding suddenly hard in his chest. "Two years? You only wrote to me once_, _right after I turned eleven!"

"No," John said quietly. "I wrote you _constantly_ for two years. Twice a month, usually more. The last one that I sent was right after you turned eleven."

"Get out," Remus said suddenly, anger bubbling up inside of him again. Lying to him, straight to his face. There were no letters, just one, one singular letter that had propelled Remus into such a state of depression that only the arrival of his Hogwarts letter had prevented him from ending his life at that moment. There were no letters, plural, but now there were lies. Plural. Many of them. And Remus was sick of it. "Just go. Don't bother lying to me anymore, I've had enough..."

John went.

Lily sat in her room, silent tears running down her cheeks. She was clutching James's pillow, inhaling deeply, hoping to still find a trace of his scent in the fabric.

She missed him.

So much had happened in the past three weeks, so much that she needed to tell him. And he wasn't around. And she didn't know exactly where he was or what he was doing or if he was even okay.

Lily let her hand drift down to her stomach. Maybe she was imagining things, but it felt like her skin there had become ever-so-slightly rounded. That brought on another wave of tears. James didn't know she was pregnant. He had no idea that their lives would be changing so drastically sometime in late July. She had not told James. He had _no idea_. Lily had told _Remus _of all people before her own husband. What if James didn't even _want_ the baby?

Her breath hitched at the thought. It hadn't occurred to her before. What if James didn't want the baby? What would she do? Get rid of it? No, she couldn't bear the idea though it hadn't been far from her mind in the past weeks. Would she leave him? She supposed she would have to. She couldn't live with a man who didn't want his own child.

Lily clutched James's pillow tighter, trying to muffle her sobs as they escaped.

Remus wasn't sure exactly why he was there.

He hadn't been able to sleep, his mind was still reeling from the second unwelcome visit from his father. He needed to quit working at that bar; it was only causing trouble for him.

Letters.

The man had sworn that there had been _letters_.

Remus was positive that the man was lying.

He had no doubts at all.

Yet…

Well, maybe Remus had a doubt or two.

So, there he was, outside his mother's house at seven in the morning, pounding on the front door because he had been too afraid to Floo in and scare her. She came to the door soon enough, dressed in a faded pink dressing gown and slippers. "Remus," she said, her voice still heavy from sleep. "What are you doing here so early?"

He stepped past her, inside of the small house. "I have a question for you."

"Can't it wait until the sun has risen?" Remus shook his head. "Alright. Have a seat," She gestured to the table, and then went about preparing tea for both of them. Remus took a seat at their ancient kitchen table. Selene brought the kettle, a pair of chipped tea cups, and some tea bags over to the table on a tray.

"Alright," Mrs. Lupin said, taking a seat in an old wooden chair. "What did you want to ask me?"

"After Dad left, did he ever try writing to me?" Remus's voice was quiet, timid.

Mrs. Lupin's eyes became the size of the average tea saucer, and she clutched at the neckline of her dressing gown. "No," she said, her voice shaky. "He n-never wrote to you."

"Mum," Remus said quietly. "Please…" Her resolve broke almost instantly.

"You were young," she said quietly. "You had been so hurt when he left. I didn't want him trying to hurt you again."

"Mum," Remus muttered in disbelief. "He wrote to me? H-how many times?"

"Dozens," She whispered. "But I just couldn't let you read those letters. I had to keep them from you to keep you safe."

"Why would you do that?"

"I couldn't let him hurt you!" She cried. "I couldn't have him turn you against me! He would have convinced you to leave here, to stay with him, and I couldn't lose you! Not after I'd already lost everything! Not after I'd lost him!"

Remus balled his hands into fists. "Where are they?" He stood up angrily. "Where did you hide those letters?"

"I burned them," Selene confessed, sobbing now. "Please don't be angry with me, Remus. I was only trying to protect you!"

"By keeping me all to yourself?" Remus said quietly, "By letting me think that my father hated me? I don't really call that protection, Mother. Didn't you think that _maybe_ I deserved to have a father?"

"Of course you deserved a father, Remus," His mother said quietly. "But _your_ father is a terrible man. And I didn't want you around him, I didn't want you to get hurt anymore than you already were," She hiccupped. "P-please," Selene pleaded, "Don't be angry with me! Your father never would have accepted you the way I do! _I-_"

"_I _don't want to hear it," Remus said, angrily. He could feel himself physically shaking. "And don't feed me any lines about _acceptance,_ Mother. The only things you accept are my lycanthropy and your Muggle bloodline, and even that seems to be an effort for you. But else anything that is outside the norm? You see it as freakish and abnormal. You don't even _know_ me because you're one of the most prejudiced people I've ever met! I can't tell you anything without the fear of being rejected for being _abnormal!_"

"What are you talking about?" Mrs. Lupin asked, her voice wavering on the verge of another wave of tears.

There was a pause. Remus bit his lip, teetering on the edge of truth with all consuming indecision. He swallowed hard. _Now or never._

"Mum, I am in love with Sirius," Remus said matter-of-factly.

"What?" Selene blinked, seeming not to understand.

"Sirius and I are_ together_, Mum. We have been for over a year. I love him," Remus found it was strangely freeing to say this to his mother. "And he loves me."

"You're _gay_?" Mrs. Lupin spat the word in the same way that most people said rather filthy swear words. She looked as if she were about to be violently sick.

Remus nearly laughed. "I'm in love. Isn't that enough?" He said it simply, though he knew the words must have stung her in some way. "Let's see you accept me now. Good bye, Mother." He turned and left.

Lily Evans got up at six thirty every morning to check on her mother-in-law before she went to work. Today was no different. She found Harmonia sleeping peacefully, slumped against her mountain of fluffy pillows, a book still open in her hands and her glasses askew on her face. Lily took the book, marked the page, and set it on the bedside table. She removed Mrs. Potter's glasses and set them atop the book.

Then, Lily commenced her usual morning routine, or at least the one she'd had since James left. She showered, cast a drying spell on her hair, and dressed in plain robes for her day at work. Then, she'd go attempt to prepare breakfast for herself, only to become violently sick while cooking. She'd brushed her teeth again and force down some toast before catching the Knight Bus to work. She was finding it hard to Apparate in the mornings; the baby didn't seem to enjoy the speedy transportation. Flooing was no good either, it only made her dizzy for what felt like hours.

Just as Lily was about to exit and lock up the house, a tired and angry looking werewolf appeared on her front lawn. "Remus?" she was a little surprised to see him up so early; he generally slept until at least noon with the hours he kept working at the bar. "What's the matter?"

"I- I really hate my family," Remus muttered, running a hand through his hair. "They're all crazy and I can't deal with them… and Lily it's been three weeks!"

"Remus, did something happen?"

"Yeah, my father decided that last night would be a great time to make another guest appearance on the soap opera that is my life," Remus's voice was bitter. "He starts going on about how he tried to contact me, and of course I thought that was bull, but then I talked to my mum and he _wasn't_ lying, and she kept the letters from me! I just can't believe her! So, I decided the best way to upset her was to come out, and then I came here because I cannot think straight. I really ought to put myself up for adoption or something because my family is beyond crazy." He sighed, his face showing a glimmer of desperation, and then said, "Two weeks from today is the first of December. It'll have been a month then. And the third's the full moon, and I can't do it by myself, I really can't…" He took a deep breath. "Lily, we need to talk to Dumbledore."

"Right now?" She asked her voice meek.

"Right now," Remus affirmed. "We need to find out what's going on and how much longer it will be before they're back."

Lily nodded, walking back towards her house.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked, confused.

"I need to Floo in sick," She said simply.

He smiled ever so slightly and followed her back into the house. "Still not feeling better in the mornings?"

"Not even a little," Lily murmured, putting a finger to her lips. "Mrs. Potter is asleep upstairs and I'd like to keep her that way," she whispered. She continued to wind her way through the house, arriving at the fireplace in the sitting room quickly enough. Remus took a seat on the sofa as Lily explained her boss that she was feeling considerably putrid that day and was planning on staying home to rest. He kept clasping and unclasping his hands in his lap, because to be honest, he wasn't sure what else he could do at that moment. His mind was stilling spinning. His mother had lied to him. She had let him spend nearly half of his life convinced that his own father did not want him. And he'd used his sexuality to get revenge on her. He'd told the truth only to hurt her.

His father had always been the character cast as the villain whenever Remus pictured his life. His mother was always the wise and helpful fairy godmother-type character. And now, that whole fairytale needed to ripped apart, and then burned because it was completely wrong. His father wasn't the villain, his mother wasn't the good guy. Neither were either wholly one or the other, and it was unnerving.

"Remus?" Lily said quietly. "Are you ready?"

He shook himself, and then nodded.

"What do you mean that you haven't heard from them for two weeks?" Lily asked, her voice laden with disbelief. "They've only been gone for three weeks, and you lost contact with them two weeks ago? And you didn't think that, maybe, Remus and I deserved to know that minor detail?"

Dumbledore's expression was grave. "I did not wish for you to become distressed over the news."

"So, when they turn up dead, are we supposed to feel _better_ because we didn't know what was going on?" Lily's voice was biting and cruel. "How long were you going to keep this from us? Weeks? Months? More? Or were you waiting until you uncovered the bodies?"

Dumbledore did not respond, simply looking forlornly at Lily's face.

Remus bit his bit. Of course he was angry with Dumbledore, but this man had never committed so much as one dishonorable act in the time that Remus had known him, and the feeling of being displeased with his idol was something that Remus was unprepared to deal with. And now Lily was suggesting that Dumbledore, kind and wise Dumbledore, had gotten Sirius, Peter, and James killed.

Dumbledore said nothing, a crease appearing between his eyes. Lily let out a rather strangled noise, and stood so quickly that she over turned the chair she sat upon. "You keep everything to yourself because you think it's for the best, but you don't understand what it's like to not _know_!" She took a ragged breath in as her eyes danced with unshed tears. "Where are they, Dumbledore? Where did you send them?"  
"To Bonn, West Germany," The elder man said quietly.

"Where were they headed?" Lily demanded.

"To the Black Forest. Mr. Pettigrew was supposed to lead them to where they were needed once they arrived."

"So you've no idea where they are?" Remus spoke this time, his voice shaking.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly.

"Come on, Remus," Lily said, crossing her arms over her chest. "We're leaving." Remus rose without protest, following Lily to the door without as much as a look back at Dumbledore.

They had been sitting in the sitting room at Lily's house for a long time, saying nothing, when Lily rose suddenly. "I can't just sit around."

Remus nodded.

"We have to do something."

"What can we do?" Remus said quietly. "Dumbledore doesn't even know where they are. How on earth are we supposed to find them?"

"Merlin's pants, Remus, how the hell should I know?" Lily snapped, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. She was crying now. "All I know is that my husband and two of my best friends are missing and I can't just sit by and wait for them to turn up!" Her raw emotion made all of the pictures hung on the walls rattle in their frames.

"Lily?" A voice floated down from upstairs.

"Great, now I've gone and woken her up!" Lily sobbed, her head in her hands. "And now she'll know James is missing, and somehow it'll be _my_ fault…. I can't take it anymore! I'm only nineteen! I shouldn't have to deal with this, any of this! This war, a missing husband, a _baby_ on the way! What the _hell_ was I thinking getting myself into this mess?" She let out a shriek of pure agony, crumpling into a ball on the floor and sobbing in earnest. "I can't do this," she moaned over and over, each time becoming more and more garbled by her tears.

Remus sat, paralyzed on the sofa, his eyes wide with shock. He could not wrap his mind around what was happening. They were missing. Missing. Hadn't been heard from in over two weeks. It was an impossible concept to accept. It was even harder when you had one of your best friend's wife sobbing helplessly on the floor in front of you while his mother screamed from upstairs because she was distressed about the news she'd accidentally overheard. He couldn't handle this. This wasn't working.

Remus stood up and walked over to Lily. He put and arm around her shaking frame. "Lily, it will be okay. We'll find them somehow. But right now is not the best time to be going to pieces. We just have to think, okay? We'll figure it out."

Lily wiped her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "I'll go check on Harmonia." She disappeared up the stairs, and Remus could hear muffled voices speaking upstairs.

He sank back onto the sofa, one hand flung over his face. "I don't know what to do. What the hell am I supposed to do?"

Whoever it was that he was asking, they gave him no answer.

James blinked. He could feel that his wrists were bound tightly with a coarse rope. He could hear someone coughing dryly about a foot or so to his left. He could smell blood coming from whoever had their shoulder pressed against his on his right.

But he couldn't see anything.

Before his mind could even begin to process just how bad things were at the present moment, a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Prongs, mate, are you awake?"

"Yeah," James whispered. "Pete okay?" It was the first thing on his mind, as the image of Peter being blasted off of his feet in a spray of blood was still etched vividly into his brain.

"Hard to tell," Sirius's voice was rather hoarse. "He's still out cold."

"How about you?"

"I've had worse," Sirius said quietly. "Though this cut on my side stings like a bitch."

James could feel somebody squirming on his right, and then a quiet hiss of pain. So, Padfoot was on the right then.

"You okay, James? You were out for a long time."

"I'm fine," James said shortly, squinting as he stared off into the distance. "Any idea where we are?"

"Germany?"

"Thanks, Pads, you're a great help," James muttered. He blinked again. His head ached from his attempts to force his rather useless eyes to focus. He gathered that it was most likely dark, since his vision was nonexistent and he could feel the pads on his glasses digging into the bridge of his nose, proof that they hadn't been removed. He sighed. "Anybody we know here?"

"Not sure," Sirius responded. "So far everybody's kept their masks on and spoke nothing but German. I can't tell if I recognize any of the voices, though I might have heard Snivellous."

"Spiffing," James said, leaning his head back against the wooden thing he was tied to. Snape being there only seemed to add to their growing list of problems. Peeling his eyes open before he could resign himself to sleeping, James chose his next words very carefully. Though Sirius was his best friend, there were things he had never told the man. Being blind at night was, regretfully, one of those things and James figured that, given their current situation, now would not be the best time to reveal that weakness to him. "Any idea what time it is?"

"Uh…" Sirius was quiet for a minute. "It's still pretty dark. Can't be later than three, though."

"Okay," James sighed.

They were quiet for a long moment, and James was beginning to think that Sirius had fallen asleep. However, Sirius's voice was surprisingly clear when he spoke again. "James? What do you think our odds are at this point?"

"Our odds?" James repeated confusion evident in his voice.

"Of all three of us getting out of here alive. What are the odds of that happening?"

It was shocking to hear Sirius ask the question that had been on James's mind since the moment the brief battle in the forest had started. Sirius had become conditioned to avoid the negative and terrifying "What if" questions in the past few years. James was confused as to when that changed, when Sirius had begun to allow himself to worry. He couldn't answer Sirius truthfully, because in his mind, James was sure that this tale would not have a happy ending. He was convinced that one of their number wouldn't be returning to England. But he couldn't voice that thought aloud, especially not to Sirius. So, he simply said, "We've had worse before."

"I'm not so sure, Prongs," Sirius said, his voice low. "Last time we had Remus and Lily with us. You know, strength in numbers…"

James sighed, simply saying, "If they were going to kill us, I'm positive they'd have done it already. Trust me."

Sirius grunted, squirming beside James yet again. It was going to be a long night.

Remus was attempting to sleep on the sofa in the Potters' sitting room. Lily had begged him to stay, afraid to be left alone with Mrs. Potter after her outburst earlier on that day. He'd agreed, only because he could not be alone in his house tonight. He knew it would be the worst thing for him at that time.

Sirius was missing. The thought made his blood run cold. He could be dead, or he could have been captured, or he could have gotten lost in the Black Forest and be slowly starving to death. The possibilities were horrifying as well as endless. Each new thought brought with it more worries, more unwanted thoughts.

_If Sirius is dead, how could I afford a funeral? Could I borrow it? Could I even bring myself to _have_ a funeral? Does Sirius have a will? Or will his family get everything if he dies? Will they get our house? But that's in my name, isn't it? Oh God, the house… If Sirius is dead, how will I even be able to go back there?_

Remus rolled over, annoyed, because he couldn't keep the flood of thoughts like that at bay. And he was so damn tired. He'd been up for over twenty-four hours straight… he needed to get some sleep in order to start tomorrow off in the hope of somehow finding Sirius. He turned again, trying to shut his mind off completely. He couldn't.

He was scared to death. What if he never saw Sirius again? What if, with his dying breath, Sirius had still been thinking about the stupid fight they'd had right before he'd left? What if Sirius never came back? Could Remus live through the day without the hope of seeing Sirius walk in their front door and greet him with a kiss?

What if the kiss he'd given Remus before he'd left was the last kiss Sirius would ever have? What if it was the last kiss he and Remus would ever share? What if Remus never got to hold Sirius again? What if that day, that stupid awkward day of saying good bye right after a fight and somewhat random make-up sex was the last they ever saw of each other? Remus didn't think he could bear it


	8. You Have Made It Harder Just to Go On

**

* * *

**

Hello again! Here's a new chapter, enjoy!

Lily was pacing her room, the fingers on her right hand unconsciously spinning the wedding band on her left hand around the ring finger. She drew a shaky breath, then felt yet another wave of tears overcome her. She just couldn't do this. She twiddled the ring around her finger more and more. She remembered his proposal so vividly now; it had been the same week she'd learned that he was losing his vision. The thought that his secret could have hurt him at all now made he stomach hurt. She laughed, hysterically, when she remembered that she had thought James had broken a vase when he'd dropped her engagement ring on the floor. She laughed, then sobbed, doubling over suddenly as if somebody had punched her.

"I can't do this," Lily cried, stuffing her fist into her mouth in order to stifle the sounds of her sobs. "I cannot do this anymore." Lily cried until she felt sick; until the tears literally burned her eyes and she couldn't breathe. Then she forced herself to take a deep breath. And resumed the twisting of her ring. Twisting faster, twisting so violently that it began to rub her skin uncomfortably. But she paid it no mind.

Until it fell off of her finger.

Gulping, Lily leaned forward to pick the ring up again. For a reason that even she did not understand, she paused before returning the ring to its proper place on her left ring finger. There, inside, was the familiar inscription. _You'll never get rid of me now, love. _She smiled, and the tears flowed again, silent this time.

That was what James had said to her, back in their sixth year, when she told him that she had never wanted to see his face again. He hadn't missed a beat, simply smiled broadly at her and said, "Oh Evans, you've sealed your fate. You'll never get rid of me now."

_I wish it were that easily done, James, _Lily thought bitterly. He had tried to see to it. Until a month ago, since they had begun courting, Lily and James had never been separated for more than a week. She literally couldn't get rid of him, not that she wanted to, but had she tried James would have continued to stick to her like glue. Lily felt the familiar surge of magic welling up inside of her as she more upset. Unable to calm herself properly, Lily allowed herself to stifle a scream with her pillow. In her moment of release, a few books flew from the shelves where they had been placed. These books included Lily's old copy of _Advanced Charms, _which smacked her on the head before landing open on the floor_._ Irritated, Lily peered over at the book as if preparing to face a foe of great skill.

The book landed open to the page on locator charms.

Lily Potter glanced at this book, open to a page on locator charms, where a small note was taped. Leaning over the text, Lily made out James's untidy scrawl which read, "You'll never get ride of me now, love" placed directly next to a passage detailing how to use a charmed locator object.

* * *

"Remus!"

"What?" He snapped angrily; he was positive that he'd only just managed to fall asleep. Remus sat up slowly, convinced it was just another of Lily's insanely intense panic attacks. It couldn't be later than four in the morning. "What could you possibly want at this time of night?"

"I figured out how we can find them!"

"I mean really, Lily, this is getting a bit-" Remus finally processed the words that Lily had spoken. His amber eyes doubled in size and his tired face split in a wide grin at the woman. "You can? But, how?"

Lily beamed, holding up her wedding band triumphantly. "A locator charm! James, that idiot, put a locator charm on my wedding ring! He put it on there for emergencies like this, but he never told me!" She allowed a frown to cross her face. "But I can yell at him later! Remus, we can _find_ them."

"How does that work?" Remus questioned, still skeptical. In spite of Lily's infectious excitement, he worried that they were setting themselves up for failure. The charm could malfunction, Sirius and the others could have been separated, they could be… Remus didn't let himself finish that though.

"It's a bit like a Deluminator, actually. You Apparate with it on you, concentrating on the person, rather than the location, and the charm will direct to you to them!" Lily's happiness _was_ infectious. Remus found himself beaming, despite his trepidation. The two of them took a full minute to consider the happiness of the moment before reality set in again. The identical grins seemed to slide right off of their faces, replaced by the typical thin lipped lines and creased foreheads.

"What'll we do with Harmonia?"

"What if they've been captured, and then we get captured?"

"What if there are Death Eaters?"

"Could we ask for Order backup?"

"Where, exactly, are they?"

They sat down on the couch again. "Do we tell Dumbledore?" Remus asked quietly.

"No," Lily said, "Not right away, anyway. We can send a message to ensure that he knows we've gone, once we've already left. Then he can't stop us."

Remus nodded. "Are we going in alone?"

"We'll have to," Lily said, quietly. "We can't really risk getting anyone else hurt in this. Besides, they might not be in any danger at all. Can't work up a mob if there's nothing to find when we get there except three Marauders sitting in some German pub drinking beer and waiting for Caradoc to finish up in the loo."

Remus couldn't help but snort at the image.

They were quiet for a moment. "So… Harmonia will need minding."

Remus nodded in agreement. "Anyone we know that could watch her for a small period of time?"

"Your…" Lily had begun to suggest his mother, but recalled the falling out that Remus and his mother had had only a day before and decided against it. "Not that I can think of… unless…" Lily stood up, walking to her telephone. Dialing quickly, she rested the receiver against her shoulder, crossing her fingers on her left had. "Hello, Dad? Sorry to call so late, or so early depending on how you look at it…" She paused, laughing nervously. "No, Daddy, I haven't had a fight with Tuney… Listen, I know that this is probably a bad time, but could I ask a huge favor of you?"

* * *

Dawn was breaking. Sirius hadn't managed to fall asleep, contrary to the abilities of his friends. Granted, Peter had been out since the night prior. Sirius was beginning to worry that Peter wouldn't ever wake. He had been hit hard before, and if the sticky substance on his arm was any indicator, Peter had lost quite a bit of blood. Despite his constant bickering about allowing Peter to tag along, Sirius really did value the friendship of the little nuisance. He didn't want to admit to himself that losing Peter was rather likely at this point, considering the position he was in and the injuries he had sustained.

Sirius leaned his head back against post they were tied to. He was worried about James too. He'd taken a fairly hard hit to his head, and it seemed to be affecting his vision. He had been squinting around for most of the night, apparently completely baffled by his surroundings. It made Sirius uneasy. James, ever the fearless leader, seemed to be displaying a very obvious handicap. Peter, who had never been exactly helpful in a fight looked to be out of it completely. He himself felt relatively fine, considering the circumstances, but he knew that he couldn't make up the difference if both James and Peter were out of commission if he had to defend himself. Their three-against-a-thousand was beginning to look more like one-and-a-half-against-a-million.

* * *

"Harmonia, you've met my father?" Lily said to her mother-in-law. She was not anticipating this transition in care-takers to go over well. Mrs. Potter, despite her ever-declining health, did not want to feel as if she was being baby-sat. However, that is exactly what Lily had enlisted her father to do.

Mrs. Potter sat up a little straighter. "Oh, Oliver, what a pleasure to see you again!" She seemed genuinely delighted at his presence, which Lily found surprising considering that Harmonia was typically opposed to any sort of company, with the occasional exception of Remus. "Are you going to be minding me while the children are away?"

Oliver nodded, smiling ever so slightly. "It looks that way."

"Alright, Dad, are you sure you can handle this?" Lily was asking.

Oliver Evans nodded. "Give her the potion every three hours, keep her company, and contact the emergency number on the refrigerator if anything goes wrong," He said, with the air of having heard it several times. Worry lines crossed his face. "I'm not so sure about letting you go Lily," he said, a hint of fear behind his eyes.

"I know," Lily said, biting her lip. "But they could be in danger, and I just have to know if they are okay." She crossed her arms stubbornly as her father began to frown. "Don't give me that look. You'd have done the same for Mum."

Oliver nodded in understanding. "I would have." His eyes darted over to Remus, standing awkwardly in the doorway to Mrs. Potter's bedroom. "Young man, I expect you to watch out for my daughter on this little escapade."

Remus's eyes widened in the irony on the statement, a sick laugh creeping up his throat. Horrified at the possibility of actually laughing at such an inappropriate time, Remus cleared his throat loudly. He had to force down his amusement before stammering a reply. "Yes sir." Harmonia took that moment to suppress a snort of laughter. Remus assumed she had caught the irony as well.

Oliver nodded curtly. Returning his attention to Lily, he hugged her swiftly, and muttered, "Be safe." He stepped back awkwardly.

"I will, Dad," Lily said, her voice shaking slightly. "Ready, Rem?" She took two steps toward Remus. He nodded.

Harmonia's face suddenly turned serious. "Lily?"

"Yes?"

"Bring him home." It was not a request. Lily nodded mutely.

They proceeded to leave the house, outside of the perimeter of the anti-Apparition spells placed on it. Once on the lawn, they stood close to each other, exchanging one last glance of extreme trepidation. Walking over to Remus, Lily grasped his upper arm. Holding up her wedding band, she murmured something unintelligible, and turned on the spot. They disappeared with a faint popping noise.

* * *

With a pop, Lily and Remus arrived in a darkened forest. Streaks of dirty, grayish light were beginning to filter through the layer of thick greenery that formed the canopy of the forest. Glancing around, the pair darted quickly into a large bush to quietly converse. "You don't suppose that the charm brought us directly to him, do you?" Remus asked quietly.

Lily shook her head. "There are anti-Apparation wards all over here," She said quietly. Waving her wand silently a few times, she frowned. "They appear to be paired with anti-Animagus wards, and they seem to stretch on for a few miles. My guess is that the charm got us as close as it could without being caught in the wards."

"So we'll have to look for them on foot?" Remus prompted.

"Seems that way," Lily said, running a hand through her hair. "Though we can try to dismantle a few of these wards. Break down the area a little." Remus nodded, drawing his wand. Blinking in the dim light of early morning and the two of them set off along the tree line in the frosty December air.

* * *

James Potter awoke to something, or more likely, someone slapping his face. "Wake up, Potter." As he was unexpectedly rushed into consciousness, James was able to recognize the voice. Severus Snape, his boyhood rival, had just woken him someplace in Germany. The light around them was dim, and James could not be sure if that signified dawn, dusk, or more clouds and unending rain. The thought occurred to James to just call the day a waste, close his eyes, and return to unconscious bliss. Then Snape slapped him again, and he remembered that he really didn't have the option.

Though disoriented from his miniscule amount of sleep in addition to his injuries and his poor eyesight, James was positive that it was Snape who was currently untying him roughly, taking care to insure that the rope binding his raw wrists rubbed uncomfortably. "Get up," Snape's voice commanded from behind his mask, and James stood uneasily to his feet. He had originally wondered why Snape would allow him to stand on his own accord without as much as a rope to keep him from running. However, then James's left leg collapsed under his weight, and the answer was fairly obvious. He couldn't physically run, he was injured to a point where defending himself would be next to impossible, and even if he'd had his wand, the wards surrounding the Death Eater's camp would have prevented him from Apparating. He was, for all intents and purposes, helpless and at the mercy of a person who had hated him since they were children.

"Walk, Potter," Snape hissed, pointing his wand roughly as he nudged James forward. "If my memory serves, you are well versed in that particular art form." James struggled to his feet, limping slowly forward at Snape's insistence. He refused to acknowledge the snide comments of his current captor; they would only serve to distract him further.

They trudged along in silence for a few minutes. James concentrated mostly on keeping himself walking, only allowing himself to consider where he was being taken once or twice. He found himself praying that Sirius and Peter managed to escape; he was far less optimistic about his own fate. So, rather than worry or even ponder if this walk to goodness-knows-where would be his last, James concentrated on walking. Walking, and irritating Snape with his persistence in so doing.

At long last, Snape halted. James managed to remain standing only briefly, eliciting a cold laugh from the hook-nosed man behind him as his injuries caused his leg to give out a second time. "Well, Potter," Snape said, smiling darkly as he pulled his mask up to reveal his still young face. "I suppose you'll be wondering why you're here?"

"Not particularly," James responded, though he was unsure as to where on earth his tone had come from. He assumed that it could only be the result of having been for so many years accustomed to insulting the boy. James only hoped that this old habit wouldn't further provoke the man, who now held his life in his hands, though the odds were slim. "I'm guessing that, since you're a Death Eater and I'm in the Order, you brought me here to torture me for information, give me some form of the tired 'join or die' ultimatum, and kill me should I refuse. Am I correct?"

Snape did not appear amused by James's cheek. "Most men would think it unwise to use sarcasm at a time such as this." He tilted James's face up using the tip of his wand, locking black, cold eyes with clouded hazel ones as he glared down into the face of his captive.

"Most men manage to shower daily as well, Snape," James said conversationally, as if there were no deadly weapon pressing painfully into the pale and thin flesh of his already bruised neck. "So it appears that both of us have a tendency to deviate from the norm." James mentally sighed; it appeared that the not-so-old grudge was still engrained into him and that, no matter how perilous the situation, he could not find it within himself to treat Snape with any form of respect. In fact, it appeared that his knee-jerk reaction was to revert back to childish insults. James knew immediately that he would pay for his mouth, and braced himself for the coming curse.

"Ah, how it pains me to do this," Snape murmured with a sneer. _"Crucio."_

* * *

"We've been at this for hours," Remus muttered, pausing to glare in the general direction of the sky as it emitting yet another loud clap of thunder. "It's a little suspicious that we haven't encountered anyone yet."

Lily nodded, her face drawn tightly. She was looking pale, her face tinged a mild green around the edges.

"Are you alright, Lily?" Remus asked, turning to face her just in time to witness the redhead vomiting into a rotting tree stump.

"Now I'm a little better," Lily muttered, vanishing the regurgitation with a flick of her wand, then reaching into her pocket and pulling out a mint. She frowned after placing the candy in her mouth, "I always thought morning sickness would happen in morning." Sighing, she turned to face Remus. "It is a little odd that we haven't seen anyone yet, but I'm guessing that they wouldn't all stick around patrolling all day."

She shrugged. Checking her watch, Lily determinedly took a seat on the ground. "It's already five o'clock," she said in disbelief. They had arrived at dawn, and now nearly 12 hours later, they had not only been unsuccessful in locating their missing friends and significant others, but they had been unable to locate anyone. "I'm taking a break."

Remus nodded in agreement, taking a seat beside his companion. "I wish this rain would let up," he muttered in annoyance. "It's ruining what little vision we have in this forest."

"It's so cold, I'm shocked that is hasn't turned to snow yet," Lily muttered, her teeth chattering ever so slightly. "Not that I'd prefer snow, but at least it wouldn't be quite so wet."

A scream pierced the silence of the relatively mundane conversation they'd only just finished. Immediately, they jumped to their feet, running determinedly in the direction of the noise. "What the hell do you think that was?" Lily asked Remus as they sprinted through the trees toward a clearing off in the distance: the source of the scream.

"The more accurate question honestly would be who it was," Remus responded grimly.

* * *

James Potter would never claim to be blindly optimistic. Nor would he appeal to those who would call him a pessimist. However, at this very moment of his life, he wasn't exactly sure that he would be living to see tomorrow. In fact, at the rate he was going, he'd be lucky if he lived to see ten minutes from now.

His body slammed to the ground, useless, as Snape lifted the Cruciatus Curse. James did nothing to stop the fall; his arms were too weak from the ongoing torture to be much help at this point anyways.

"Had enough, Potter?" Snape sneered, his dark shadow, barely visible, swimming before James's eyes. His captor laughed, as James was only able to groan in response. "I always hoped it would come to something like this, you know. Knew that if you were to face me alone, I would overpower you so easily…"

"Well," James managed to grind out through clenched teeth, "Did you stop to consider that this wasn't a fair fight? That, honestly, it wasn't a fight at all." James paused, his breathing shallow from the effort of speaking, and closed his eyes. "I wasn't even armed…" His voice sounded far meeker than he had intended, but there was nothing to be done about it at this point.

"Never stopped you before now," Snape muttered. "I was only treating you as you have me."

James knew he could formulate a million different retorts to that statement, but his aching body begged him to keep his lips sealed out of self-preservation if nothing else. He realized that Snape was still carrying on about something, and supposed that it would be in his best interest to listen.

"…Shocked, really, since your friend Caradoc sang like canary before we disposed of him," Snape was saying, his tone determinedly conversational.

"Caradoc's dead?" James croaked, his heart plummeting to his stomach. The whole mission had been a waste then. All this time, all this pain, for nothing.

"Oh yes," Snape said, sounding rather close to delighted. "He was killed nearly a month ago. Or did you come here in hopes of saving him?"

James shook his disoriented head. He was struggling to remain focused on what Snape was saying to him. It was as if he understood for a brief moment, then the memory faded before he had a chance to interpret it. "I…"

"You did, didn't you?" Snape sneered, a laugh bubbling below the threshold of his speech. "Well, isn't that just a pity. This whole mission, a waste. And now, it appears, you'll be little more than that as well…"

James closed his eyes. This was it then. A wasted mission would end his life. _Lily, I love you. I am so sorry… _

Snape raised his wand, and just as he began to cry out the curse that would surely have brought an end to James Potter's life, the Marauder did something he did not think he was capable of doing.

He dodged the curse.

* * *

They reached the edge of the clearing quickly, able to get a view of what was very obviously the Death Eaters' camp. There was a fire roaring near the center, and a few yards away stood a wooden pole to which two figures appeared to be bound. Lily squinted; from where she stood, it appeared that Peter and Sirius were both tied directly to this pole, guarded by several bored looking Death Eaters. James was nowhere in sight.

Lily and Remus exchanged a glance. "I'll help you stun them from this distance, alright?" She said quietly to Remus. "Then get Sirius and Peter out of here as quickly as you can… I'm going to find James."

"Lily," Remus whispered, fear in his voice, "I can't let you go after him alone. This place is crawling with Death Eaters."

"I know," Lily said, her emerald eyes wide, darting from the shadows of Sirius and Peter, then back to Remus's pale face. "But it was him… They're torturing him, Remus. I can't just wait around for reinforcements…" She paused to wipe an anxious tear from her freezing cheek, just in time for another anguished scream to tear through the clearing. "Please."

Remus nodded. "On three?" He asked, inclining his head in the direction of the ring of guards. Lily nodded. "One… two… three," Remus whispered, and they nonverbally directed over ten stunners into the clearing, knocking out all but one, who immediately began to stomp angrily off in their direction. "Lily, go!" Remus urged, and Lily took off sprinting as Remus stood to face the person.

The Death Eater wore a mask, but Remus could still make out the gray eyes shining behind it. Gray eyes that were identical to the pair that Sirius wore, and Remus recognized the voice that was launching a rather nasty curse in his direction as the voice of Regulus, Sirius's younger brother. Remus deflected the curse with ease, managing to direct the fight in the direction he wanted; toward Sirius.

Seeing Remus emerge from the shadows of the trees, Sirius felt his heart leap. "Rem?" he yelped, mostly in surprise, as Remus Lupin was not anywhere close to his suspicion as to whole was hiding behind the bush who had stunned ten Death Eaters in a single go. In fact, he had expected either Dumbledore or an army, not one man standing alone. It bothered Sirius to see Remus alone. Alone, and suddenly taking on the Death Eater with gray eyes.

Upon witnesses the quickly shared look between Remus and Sirius, Regulus laughed. "Oh, so is this the little freak mother's heard about through the grapevine?" He taunted, flinging a hex of violent purple light toward Remus, who side stepped out of its trajectory. "Your supposed 'roommate,' Sirius?" The younger man chuckled, throwing yet another violent violet hex toward the werewolf. "I do believe I let it slip last summer to mother that I was aware of your unnaturally close friendship…"

"Put a lid on it Regulus," Sirius snapped, his eyes wide as he watched the duel in horror. Remus, however, didn't bother to acknowledge Regulus's psychological tactics, simply deflecting the younger man's curses and hexes with extreme ease and unbreakable determination. "What I do with my life is hardly any business of yours," Sirius said through clenched teeth.

Regulus, momentarily distracted by Sirius's comment, was caught off guard and Remus was able to quickly disarm him. Regulus stood, breathing heavily, as Remus held his wand pointed at the younger man's chest. "Just get out of here," He said, his voice its usual quiet and calm timbre. "Please, I don't want to have to stun you and leave you here for dead." Regulus glared, crossing his arms over his chest. "Trust me on this; you don't want to be here in the next few minutes." He raised his eyebrows, a warning. Regulus nodded, and Remus handed back his wand. The boy ran off.

Remus knelt instantly beside Sirius, throwing his arms around him and kissing him swiftly, before standing back up to survey the entanglement that Sirius and Peter were in.

Sirius stared up at Remus in shock. "How did you…?"

"It's a long story," Remus said, pausing to summon the wands taken from Sirius, James, and Peter handing them all to Sirius, and then kneeling and beginning to free Peter and Sirius from their bonds. "How long has Pete been out?"

"A while," Sirius said quietly. "On and off since late last night. He came to for about an hour around lunch time, but he passed out again right before Snape dragged James off."

"Snape's here?" Remus asked, now starting to heal as many of Peter's superficial wounds as he could see. The smaller man did not stir. Despite the obvious worry in Remus's voice, he did not pause his actions, moving on to start cleaning up some of Sirius's cuts and scrapes.

"Yeah," Sirius said darkly. "Looked pretty murderous when he pulled Prongs off to his little lair." He shuddered. "I'm sure he's torturing him… I can hear screaming…" He was free now, and stood up gingerly. He took that moment to grab Remus and hold the other boy to him tightly, murmuring how much he had missed him, as Remus remained rather unresponsive. Sirius backed away, feeling put off and worried. In an attempt to cover the awkward moment he said, "Well, come on, we have to go get James."

"Lily's getting him," Remus said simply, returning to work on waking Peter, though unsuccessfully. Peter was stirring, but seemed unable or unwilling to open his eyes.

"Lily?" Sirius repeated. He sounded no less than outraged. "You let her go after him on her own? Are you insane?"

"I was a little more worried about you!" Remus shouted. "Look, you can come back and get James. But right now, you have to get Peter out of here."

"You get Peter, I'm going after Lily and James!" Sirius countered, his eyes blazing.

"So leaving me alone is alright then?" Remus spat. He had been trying to keep his emotions in check, but his less composed side lashed out at that moment. "But Heaven forbid that precious Lily go off alone. She's trained, she knows what she's doing. Why can't you help me?"

"Because _you're_ trained, and _you_ know defense better than anyone I know," Sirius cried, a measure of desperation sinking into his voice. "This isn't about leaving you alone or favoring Lily or anything. It's just… I know you won't lose your head in a fight. I can't be sure she won't." Sirius rubbed a hand across his face. "Please, Rem, I'm begging you. Get Peter out of here; come back for me."

"I can't!" Remus exclaimed, breathing heavily. His face was filled with a sudden horror, and his eyes darted quickly to the sky. "I can't take Peter because I'm not going to be leaving this forest tonight." He looked panicky, and he forced the unconscious form of Peter into Sirius's hands, along with their wands. "You need to run. Now. Take Pete and get out of here. About a mile west of here is where we stopped dismantling the anti-Animagus wards."

"I don't understand," Sirius sputtered, confusion dominating his tired face. True worried filled his gray eyes, and for a single moment the boy, and yes at that moment he was in fact a boy, looked terrified. "Why aren't you coming with us?"

"Look," Remus said quietly, "Moonrise is in about two minutes. You need to get away from here. Try to wake Peter, if you can't, take him home. If you can, come back and fight, but be prepared to face an angry werewolf."

"Why'd you come today, then? Why not wait?" Sirius seemed unreasonably angry at Remus's blatant disregard for his own safety. Panic was causing his voice to hitch, and he looked at the unconscious person in his hands with disgust.

"I was a little more concerned about you," Remus said, urging Sirius forward. "If nothing else, I'll be a great distraction." He shuddered. "Go!" He shouted again, tossing his wand to Sirius as he looked, frightened, as Remus's body was racked with a sudden tremor. "And Sirius?"

Sirius turned to face Remus, confusion upon his drawn face.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Rem."

"Hurry!"

Sirius ran, toting a magically lightened Peter behind him, wincing as the howl of the werewolf collided unpleasantly with the scream of someone being tortured not far off in the distance.

* * *

Lily could not remember a time in her life when she had run so hard. Each scream coming from beyond the clearing seemed to motivate her tenfold to reach James now. Her chest felt as if it were on fire, and her legs were made of a jelly-like substance, but she ran until she broke free from the clutches of the dark forest and into the fading light beyond the clearing.

Her husband lay facedown in the mossy grass, breathing heavily, as an unmasked Death Eater stood above him, a red jet of light coming from the wand's tip. James screamed, a horrible, inhuman sound of anguish. Peering into the light, Lily recognized the man torturing her beloved and was filled with a rage that she could not put into words. Lily was suddenly filled with a feeling of betrayal, mixed with a far baser instinct. She wanted to rip out that man's throat for even looking twice at her husband.

Lily burst into the man's line of vision, wand raised, and said in a deadly clam voice, "If you so much as think about raising your wand against my husband again, Severus Snape, I will curse you so hard that you'll still feel it when you're dead."

The man looked up, bewildered, and his eyes went wide at the sight of her. "Lily…" Snape breathed, lowering his wand. James whimpered quietly, unable to lift his head from the muddy ground where it lay. Snape made a move to curse him again, and Lily's patience gave out completely.

"I'll kill you, you bastard!" Lily screamed, and launched a torrent of spells and hexes at the person who she had once called her best friend. "How dare you touch my husband, you sick, twisted excuse for a human being?"

Snape made no move to attack her, only deflecting the spells she sent, rendering them useless. His eyes were wide with horror as she came at him, again and again, each time unsuccessful, each time more determined.

"Fight back, damn you!" Lily cried, feeling her emotions getting the best of her as she attacked Snape again and again. James still wasn't moving. He wasn't moving, just lying there, lifeless. "Fight back, you coward!"

Lily hardly knew what happened until she landed roughly on her side a moment after the blast. Blinking in surprise, she saw Snape's shaking and trembling form standing several feet away. Raising her wand again, Snape's eyes narrowed. "Try to hex me one more time, Lily, and I'll kill your pathetic excuse for a husband."

"You wouldn't dare," Lily spat, forcing herself to her feet. She couldn't believe the words pouring from her mouth; taunting him, provoking him to attack again. She didn't care. If James was already gone, and her life was in the hands of Snape, there was nothing more to be lost. She didn't care.

"You call me the coward," Snape hissed, his wand aimed directly at James's immobile form, "This pathetic… horrid… arrogant cretin never bothered attacking me unless it was four on one, and I'm the coward?"

Lily stiffened. "That was in school. We were children, all of us." Her eyes were filled with a cold fury. "This isn't a game, Severus. This isn't some stupid show of male supremacy. This is real. You are toying with people's lives. _My_ life, Severus!"

They locked eyes for a moment, Lily's wand aimed directly at his heart, his wand point directly at the man who held hers.

"Expelliarmus!"

"Crucio!"

The spells fired at the exact same moment. James's limp body jerked to life momentarily, before the curse disconnected as Snape's wand was sent flying into Lily's hands. Disarmed, Snape stood, utterly helpless, staring wordlessly at the woman he loved. She continued covering him as she approached James. "You made the choice, Severus, now you have to live with it." Frowning, Lily turned his own wand on him. "Stupefy!" And he was down with a _thump._

Lily rushed to James's side; hands shaking as she gingerly rolled him over. His eyes were closed, but she could hear him breathing, though it sounded shallow and strained. "Enervate!" She whispered, and his eyes fluttered open slowly.

In the dim light, Lily knew that he could not see her, so she spoke. "James?"

"Lil?" He sounded strange, beyond normal confusion.

"Hold on Batty," Lily whispered, using her pet name for him that they only spoke when alone; their little secret in order to prove who she was. "I'm getting you out of here."


End file.
